IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compare with the number of older people. do the advantages of this situation outweight the disadvantages?

It is often believed that the number of young
people
Use synonyms
 has increased in some countries,
while
Linking Words
 the number of old
people
Use synonyms
 has dropped compared to previous years. Having many adults can bring clear benefits,
such
Linking Words
 as more active workers which leads to fast improvements. There are
also
Linking Words
 several drawbacks to consider, like losing the diversity of the community. One clear advantage of increasing the number of young
people
Use synonyms
 is that it would help to build an active work environment.
In other words
Linking Words
, some kinds of jobs require physical skills that a normal human loses when he or she gets older.
For example
Linking Words
, jobs related to construction need someone who can lift high weights
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
handle the hot weather and be able to stand for long hours. Another benefit is that the energy of young
people
Use synonyms
 can improve society faster and
efficiently
Correct quantifier usage
more efficiently
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, studies have shown that
people
Use synonyms
 from 18-35 are more likely to brainstorm and bring practical ideas that can develop the world,
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that human brains work in these ages better.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are significant disadvantages to the disappearance of old
people
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the world would miss something crucial, which is wisdom.
Moreover
Linking Words
, even if young
people
Use synonyms
 are stronger than old ones, they still need their advice to
outcome
Correct your spelling
overcome
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life challenges, and who is better than
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person who has already gone through them
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Lastly
Linking Words
, without old
people
Use synonyms
, life will lack balance, and
that is
Linking Words
 because there are no more
people
Use synonyms
 with enough background and experience that can be benefited from. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 achieving improvements that can make the world a better place needs strong young hands, the experience of older
people
Use synonyms
 cannot be overlooked.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Make sure your introduction clearly states your position on the topic. This helps the reader understand your viewpoint from the start.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to make your points stand out more.
Task Response
Add more specific examples or evidence to support your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas more smoothly. Use linking words to guide the reader through your essay. This will improve the flow of your writing.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents clear advantages and disadvantages of the topic, which is good for showing balance.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have organized your thoughts into paragraphs, which helps in presenting your ideas clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic shift
  • workforce
  • economic growth
  • innovation
  • social evolution
  • curricula
  • health care costs
  • pension systems
  • mentorship
  • generational imbalance
  • unemployment
  • job markets
  • tax burden
  • adoption
  • development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: