IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe that it encourages crimes. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People have different views about whether
technology
Use synonyms
 decreases or encourages
crimes
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. Personally, I strongly hold that the development of
technology
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 can significantly
decreases
Change the verb form
decrease
show examples
crimes
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. On the one hand, the developed
technology
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 not only
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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criminal
investigation
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investigations
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,
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apply
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 but
also
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act
Correct subject-verb agreement
acts
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 as a deterrent.
To begin
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 with,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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public security has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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improved dramatically since the introduction of surveillance
camera
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cameras
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. To be more specific, police find it much easier to
chase
Verb problem
keep
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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track of escaped criminals and restore
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
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 scene by watching the recording.
In addition
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, the individuals who have criminal
thought
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thoughts
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 will have a sense of being
supervising
Wrong verb form
supervised
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 as the community monitoring equipment can be seen everywhere.
As a result
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, before committing
crimes
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 or having
violence
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violent
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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, people tend to be calmer and reconsider the propriety of their
behaviors
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behaviours
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, which largely
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
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 cases of crime of passion.
Nevertheless
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, there is a voice
arises
Correct pronoun usage
that arises
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 that new
form
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forms
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 of
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crimes
Fix the agreement mistake
crime
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 increased largely because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology
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 development. Take the example of telecom fraud, which is
newly
Correct article usage
a newly
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 emerged criminal industry, without the help of social media and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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, there would never have been so many victims being cheated. Ironically, the internet is helping to reduce these
crimes
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.
Firstly
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, the
prosperous
Replace the word
prosperity
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 of
telecom
Correct article usage
the telecom
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 fraud industry in the same way
indicate
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indicates
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 a decline in theft. Because
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 people are using entity money, the
thief
Correct your spelling
theft
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 has decreased significantly.
In addition
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
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 related to Anti-theft and counterterrorism can be
transmitting
Wrong verb form
transmitted
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 at
a
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an
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 unprecedentedly fast speed on the internet, improving
a
Remove the article
apply
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public criminal awareness. In conclusion, I still believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology
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 has brought so many benefits
on
Change preposition
in
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 eliminating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crimes
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 that
technology
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 decreases
crimes
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overall
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.

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task achievement
Try to provide a clear thesis statement in your introduction to guide the reader on your position.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has one clear main idea to improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your arguments, especially when discussing how technology helps reduce crime.
positive
You provide a balanced discussion by presenting both views on the topic.
positive
Your essay covers important aspects of how technology both decreases and encourages crime.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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