IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries people tend to move overseas or move to a different part of their country after their retirement. Discuss why it is so and the outcomes of this situation. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Many
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to leave their hometown when they
are retired
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
move
Use synonyms
 to
anothe
Correct your spelling
another
place
Use synonyms
 either
Change preposition
in other
show examples
other countries
Fix the agreement mistake
another country
show examples
 or
rural
Correct article usage
a rural
show examples
Use synonyms
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 of their country.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon happens because of some reasons and it will
result
Add the preposition
result in
result from
show examples
 some effects.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
it.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
retired-
Correct your spelling
retired people
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 tend to find new
Use synonyms
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 that could bring happiness to them. It occurs because they want to enjoy their old time
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
full of peace
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which they used to work hard when they were
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young age. To take an example,
people
Use synonyms
 who
worked
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
civil
servant
Fix the agreement mistake
servants
show examples
 in Indonesia usually
move
Use synonyms
 to
Add an article
the country
show examples
country side
Correct your spelling
countryside
show examples
 when they are
pansion
Correct your spelling
pension
passion
 in order to enjoy their retirement moment. They used to do both farming and gardening at that moment because those activities make their body active which is good to maintain their fitness level.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon will bring some effects to their old and new places.
Firstly
Linking Words
, their old
place
Use synonyms
 will not feel too crowded, it is because some
people
Use synonyms
 leave and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others come in.
While
Linking Words
 for their new
place
Use synonyms
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be good because land in rural areas usually
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not used optimally
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
, if those
people
Use synonyms
move
Use synonyms
 to those areas, the land would be more productive because those
people
Use synonyms
 utilize it
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
 gardening or farming
area
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who are already retired used to be old, so it will be good for their
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 if they
move
Use synonyms
 to
Use synonyms
area
Add an article
an area
the area
show examples
 that cleaner or
less
Add a missing verb
has less
show examples
 pollution.
People
Use synonyms
 who spend their retirement moment in Malang which is
mountain
Correct article usage
a mountain
show examples
area
Use synonyms
 are healthier than
people
Use synonyms
 who live in
Correct article usage
the citycentre
show examples
citycentre
Correct your spelling
city centre
,
for example
Linking Words
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, leaving
hometown
Correct pronoun usage
their hometown
show examples
 and moving to overseas or another part of the country
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 done by
people
Use synonyms
 who already retired because they want to experience
calm
Correct article usage
a calm
show examples
 and
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
show examples
 situation.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon could
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
 some effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 retired
people
Use synonyms
itself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 and their old and new
environment
Fix the agreement mistake
environments
show examples
.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion and the points you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer topic sentences to help guide your reader through each paragraph.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points and make them stronger.
task achievement
You presented some valid reasons for why retired people move, such as seeking peace and health benefits.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally clear with an introduction, body, and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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