IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drink that has scientifically been proved to have bad effects on people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

In recent years,the idea
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct determiner usage
that
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food
Use synonyms
 which was found that brings negative effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 people’s health
should
Correct word choice
and should
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 be avoided to sale that has gained
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
widespread attention.
While
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 idea may seem reasonable at first glance, I strongly disagree with implementing
such
Linking Words
 a ban.I believe that personal freedom,economic factors,and the complexity of nutrition would make it unrealistic. First and foremost,banning the sales of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and drink directly
refuse
Correct subject-verb agreement
refuses
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 the freedom of
choosing
Replace the word
choice
show examples
 to individuals.Every people has their own preferences
on
Change preposition
for
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food
Use synonyms
.it is unsuitable to deprive their right to enjoy
food
Use synonyms
,even
it
Correct word choice
if it
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 seems to bring some health risks.
In addition
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,some
food
Use synonyms
 would play a positive role to
personwithout
Correct your spelling
person without
the
Correct article usage
apply
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overconsumption.
For example
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,eating too much junk
food
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 like hamburgers provided in
McDonald
Change noun form
McDonald's
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 is harmful to health,but many people enjoy them occasionally without significant damage.If folks can control the frequency of having unhealthy eatables,there is no need to restrict the consumption of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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,the
food
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 and drink industry contributes
significant
Change the adjective
significantly
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 to the GDP in most countries.It is unwise to cut down
the
Correct article usage
an
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 important source of income.
Additionally
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,the rate of unemployment would rapidly rise
in
Change preposition
to
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 a high level if the sale of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
be
Wrong verb form
were
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 banned.Because a large
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of employees work for
food
Use synonyms
 manufacturers.
Besides
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,the research
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the influences of intake
unhealthy
Change preposition
of unhealthy
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food
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
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 not always in black and white.Only in correct condition,the unhealthy diets would show negative
affects
Correct your spelling
effects
show examples
. In conclusion,simply
avoid
Wrong verb form
avoiding
show examples
 to sale
Use synonyms
food
Change preposition
of food
show examples
 which
is seem
Change the verb form
seems
show examples
 to unhealthy is not a good idea.It is better to consider how it brings to person both in good and bad sides,
instead
Linking Words
 of removing the right to
choosing
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 and drink to people.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to connect your ideas better.
task achievement
Include clearer examples to support your points.
task achievement
You made good points about personal freedom and economic factors.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • scientifically proven
  • personal freedom
  • individual choices
  • healthcare costs
  • economic impact
  • consumer empowerment
  • outright bans
  • education campaigns
  • scientific research
  • regulated industry
  • nutritional information
  • infringe
  • awareness
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