IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes，such as a robbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed by some
people
Use synonyms
 that
juvenile
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles
show examples
 who commit bad
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 should get
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
punishment
Use synonyms
 as adults. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
Linking Words
due to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 some reasons, and
this
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 essay will elaborate
it
Change preposition
on it
show examples
.
To begin
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 with,
law
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the law
show examples
 has no mercy
to
Change preposition
on
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doer
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the doer
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 of crimes. Younger
people
Use synonyms
 who commit crimes
used to
Verb problem
apply
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underestimate the
punishment
Use synonyms
 that they get when they do it, and it is one of the main reasons why they should be punished in
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 way as adults. To take an example, young
people
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 in Indonesia tend to do bad
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 because the law has extraordinary
punishment
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them. When they are
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
 to do a violent attack and get caught, they will only go to the nearest police station to receive a warning letter and send
back
Correct pronoun usage
it back
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 to their parents.
As a result
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, they will not stop
to
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apply
show examples
it.
Furthermore
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, adopting
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
punishment
Use synonyms
 as adult to young
people
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 can be determined by all
juvenile
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles
show examples
 if they want to commit robbery or attack others because sometimes
punishment
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 to adult
people
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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extremly
Correct your spelling
extremely
 hard to be experienced by
juvenile
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles
show examples
. Prison
sentence
Fix the agreement mistake
sentences
show examples
 for robbery cases in Indonesia usually will be around 5 years
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is very hard
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 young
people
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 because when they are
on
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in
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 prison, they will get much
preassure
Correct your spelling
pressure
 from the others inside the prison
due to
Linking Words
 their age,
for example
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.
To conclude
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, there are many reasons why applying
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
punishment
Use synonyms
 to both young and old
people
Use synonyms
 when they commit crimes
such
Linking Words
robbery
Change preposition
as robbery
show examples
 or violent
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 others. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement as I have mentioned above.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and explain it fully.
task achievement
Use clearer examples to support your points; examples should be easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Check for correct grammar and spelling to make your points clearer.
task achievement
You presented your opinion clearly, showing your agreement on the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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