IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?

Higher authorities have a responsibility to ensure the well-being of their citizens;
thus
Linking Words
, many individuals believe that the administration should allocate more
funds
Use synonyms
 for
country
Use synonyms
 protection and less for social welfare. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 topic for several reasons, which are explained
further
Linking Words
 with suitable examples and explanations.
To begin
Linking Words
, the first and foremost reason behind disagreement with the statement that the government should release higher
funds
Use synonyms
 for defence and lower
funds
Use synonyms
 for Public assistance is the need for social benefits; for explain,
such
Linking Words
 services as healthcare, and education are crucial for society, the shortage of medical system might become the reason for thousands of life ends.
Hence
Linking Words
, lower funding can cause significant harm to the vulnerable population.
For instance
Linking Words
, a survey conducted in 2013 in Japan showed statistics that more than 60 % of tax
funds
Use synonyms
 are used to protect the
country
Use synonyms
 and purchase weapons;
consequently
Linking Words
, the situation of health care is worse because people have to wait too long to get ant treatment and for an advance medical emergency they have to travel to another
country
Use synonyms
. Moving
further
Linking Words
, another reason is that cutting social benefits may weaken the
country
Use synonyms
 from the inside. To elaborate, when leaders are not focused on public benefits, the lack of money can lead to unemployment, homelessness, and an increased crime rate, which makes the province internally weak.
For example
Linking Words
, in the United States, studies have shown that reductions in housing assistance and mental health services in some cities have led to a noticeable rise in homelessness and petty crime. When people do not receive enough government support, they are more likely to end up on the streets or turn to illegal activities just to survive, creating long-term social and economic problems.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 military services are essential for a
country
Use synonyms
’s safety, focusing solely on defence spending is ineffective. Ultimately, a balanced approach is essential to ensure sustainable development.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure each point is clear and directly answers the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between your ideas and paragraphs to improve flow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples in the body paragraphs to support your points.
content
You present clear arguments against increasing defense spending.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • national security
  • sovereignty
  • foreign entities
  • military sector
  • economic growth
  • inequality
  • vulnerable populations
  • elderly
  • disabled
  • unemployed
  • social stability
  • public health
  • balanced approach
  • appropriate funding
  • nation’s needs
  • priorities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: