IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that money is the most essential factor in promoting happiness Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

Some folks believe that financial stability is the most important element
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 pleasure.
This
Linking Words
 essay suggests that relationships and inner satisfaction bring
happiness
Use synonyms
 without money.
However
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, gratitude and the help of the community contribute to joyfulness. First of all, today's generation is materialistic, and they find
happiness
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 in purchasing personal items to consider it
happiness
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.
Whereas
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, in the past,
people
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 prioritized bonds with family and friends over money because it
fulfills
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fulfils
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 the emotional need of a person, which is the most vital for
happiness
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.
For example
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, it is proven in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research by the WHO that a depressed and moodless person's psychological health can be improved by 80%
living
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by living
show examples
 close to loved ones.
Moreover
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, self-satisfaction
also
Linking Words
 plays a key role in being happy because greedy
people
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 can never be joyful. Two factors lead to
fulfillment
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fulfilment
show examples
: the first
one
Use synonyms
 is the practice of gratitude. Expression of appreciation towards what
people
Use synonyms
 already have can lead to a more contented and satisfied life.
Therefore
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, they do not wish for more materialistic items.
Furthermore
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, some
people
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 serve society and feel grateful. Being part of a supportive and inclusive community can enhance
one
Use synonyms
's
happiness
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.
For example
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, many
people
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 contribute food, clothes, books, and other things to needy
people
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, which brings a smile to
one
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's face.
To conclude
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, money is only for visible items that can provide temporary
happiness
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. I believe bonds between loved ones can not be bought, but they provide joy.
Also
Linking Words
, appreciation and community services help make
one
Use synonyms
 happy.

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task achievement
Improve the clarity of your ideas. Make sure each main point is well developed and easy to understand.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer linking words and phrases to connect your paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
Make sure to provide more specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion about happiness and its relation to money.
task achievement
You discuss multiple factors that contribute to happiness, which shows deeper thinking.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Essential factor
  • Promote happiness
  • Sense of fulfillment
  • Social connections
  • Well-being
  • Physical health
  • Mental health
  • Goals and ambitions
  • Sense of purpose
  • Fulfillment
  • Engaging in activities
  • Hobbies
  • Gratitude
  • Contentment
  • Supportive community
  • Inclusive environment
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