IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Spending significant amounts of
time
Use synonyms
 on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 or smart devices can negatively affect the
attention
Use synonyms
 span, mental health, social connections and academic performance of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals.
This
Linking Words
 is even more concerning for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
children
Use synonyms
 who haven't completed their development yet. Causes for excessive use of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 can vary. These can include loneliness, lacking clear goals, social isolation, lack of genuine friendships or weakened connections with family members. If a
child
Use synonyms
 is even younger, giving a smartphone to a
child
Use synonyms
 can be a way for
parents
Use synonyms
 to keep their
child
Use synonyms
 more silent and less
distracting
Replace the word
distracted
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
which is in my opinion terrible parenting. No matter the reason, most of the data
around
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 subject shows that increased screen
time
Use synonyms
 especially on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 can cause anxiety disorders,
attention
Use synonyms
 deficit disorder,
decreased
Correct word choice
and decreased
show examples
 success in the professional and personal lives of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people. It can
also
Linking Words
 lower perceived happiness for both adults and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. For
children
Use synonyms
 who are left with their
Use synonyms
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
 rather than their
attention
Use synonyms
 and affection, development problems can occur both mentally and emotionally.
Although
Linking Words
 it can be seen as a smaller problem compared to more serious chronic diseases, smartphone addiction is actually an important topic for individuals,
parents
Use synonyms
 and their
children
Use synonyms
. Both governments and technology companies keep warning the public about its effects. Thankfully the solutions are neither out of touch nor require special treatment for most. Simply spending more quality
time
Use synonyms
 with friends, having clear goals to follow and reconnecting with family members can be a remedy for
this
Linking Words
 addiction. It is especially important for
children
Use synonyms
 to receive more
attention
Use synonyms
 and love from their
parents
Use synonyms
. The
parents
Use synonyms
on the other hand
Linking Words
 should not forget that no
time
Use synonyms
 spent with one's
child
Use synonyms
 is a waste.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more clearly with linking words, like 'firstly', 'also', and 'finally'.
task achievement
Make sure each paragraph has a clear point that supports your main idea.
task achievement
You can add more specific examples or facts to strengthen your points in the essay.
task achievement
You clearly explained the negative effects of smartphone use on children.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay flows well overall and covers different aspects of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: