IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today many children suffer from obesity and poor health. This is a direct result of today's lifestyle. Give reasons to explain why children are overweight and also offer some solutions to address this issue.

One of the biggest problems that we currently have with our lifestyle is obesity. The percentage of obese children nowadays is rising heavily every year and I think that we as a community
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not doing enough to
adress
Correct your spelling
address
 it and try to fix it. First of all,
while
Linking Words
 obesity existed
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the start of time, it did not become a real issue that millions of people suffer from until the 20th century when people started to build unhealthy habits about food,
for example
Linking Words
, the youth get
persuade
Wrong verb form
persuaded
show examples
 easily, when they see something that looks good like a candy bar or a chocolate they immediately crave it without thinking about whether it's healthy or no,
in addition
Linking Words
, children of
this
Linking Words
 generation lack attention span which would result in them not having the ability to watch a video or a movie without a snack and what usually end up happening is that they eat
way
Use synonyms
 too much
while
Linking Words
 focused on whatever they are watching and what makes it even worse is that parents are not educating them enough on
this
Linking Words
 matter because a lot of them are obese themselves, which is why
this
Linking Words
 problem revolves around our lifestyle and the fact that we are not even trying to find a solution for it.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 obesity is still one of the biggest issues of our generation, we still have to find a
way
Use synonyms
 to fix it and in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the best
way
Use synonyms
 is to start from the beginning, we as
grown ups
Add a hyphen
grown-ups
show examples
 should start teaching the younger generation that eating healthy is not a
way
Use synonyms
 to live and you can choose whether you want to do it not
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it is not a choice it's a necessity, we cannot say yes every time a
kid
Use synonyms
 wants to eat a burger from Burger King, we need to start telling them no and explain to them why we are refusing because if you don't, they are going to think that you said no becuse you are a bad parent when in fact, you are doing the right thing,
moreover
Linking Words
, some parents try to use
this
Linking Words
 matter to become the "good parent" which could result in a situation that a
kid
Use synonyms
 asks his mom for a candy bar and when he refuses, he goes to ask the dad and the father says yes in order to earn the
kid
Use synonyms
's love and build the idea that he is the good parent and the mother is the bad one.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 issue is hard because it's deep in our ecosystem, we still have to try and fix it by building healthy habits
ourself
Correct pronoun usage
ourselves
show examples
 so we can pass it
to
Change preposition
on to
show examples
 our children, you can't convince the
kid
Use synonyms
 that eating an ice cream every day is bad from him if you are doing exactly that.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your main points in the introduction. It helps the reader know what to expect.
coherence cohesion
Use more linking words to connect your ideas. For example, use 'first', 'next', 'also', and 'finally'.
task achievement
Try to give specific examples for your points, like mentioning healthy food options or family activities.
coherence cohesion
Keep your paragraphs focused. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that is explained well.
task achievement
Your writing shows your concern for children’s health, which is a relevant and important topic.
task achievement
You have a clear understanding of how lifestyle affects obesity in children.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: