IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the government is responsible for looking after the elderly. Others believe that it should be family members. Who do you think should take responsibility?

Nowadays some people think that the one responsible for taking
care
Use synonyms
 of the elderly is the
government
Use synonyms
. And the other half believes that their own family
members
Use synonyms
 should take responsibility. Personally, I totally think the close
members
Use synonyms
 of the family should be responsible for the reasons mentioned in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
Firstly
Linking Words
, having someone that you have known all your life taking
care
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 of you because they
care
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 about your own health, is better than a nurse who does it for the salary.
For example
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, when I was sick myself It was comforting to have my sister more than the nurse beside me.
Secondly
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, most of the elderly want to spend their
last
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 moment next to a loved one. We do not know when is the
last
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 moment of course, but they want to make sure that we are next to them. Like my father, before passing away he used to call us to sit next to him every day, and that was because we wanted to be next to him when it happened.
On the other hand
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, having the
government
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to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
look after them as an
option
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 could be very useful.
Such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the elderly with no close family
members
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 or even brothers and sisters, so relying on the other
option
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 when needed is great. And to have
this
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option
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 so they do not want to annoy or force the family member to take
care
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 of them is great for busy family
members
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.
For instance
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 family
members
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 with a business. In conclusion, having a loved one taking
care
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 of them is great for both parties.
however
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, having an open
option
Use synonyms
 to have the
government
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 support them when needed without having to bother their close ones is a very respectful
option
Use synonyms
 to have.
therefore
Linking Words
 the
government
Use synonyms
 should offer
this
Linking Words
 support optionly so it comes really to what they prefer.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it fully. Try to keep your points focused and develop them more.
task achievement
Make your introduction and conclusion clearer. Restate your main point in the conclusion and make sure your introduction clearly outlines what the essay will discuss.
task achievement
Use clearer examples and explain them a bit more. This will help make your points stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
You show a personal connection to the topic, which makes your writing engaging.
task achievement
You present both sides of the argument, which shows good understanding of the issue.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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