IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, more and more
sugar
Use synonyms
contained
Verb problem
is contained
show examples
 in manufactured food and drink
Use synonyms
products
Punctuation problem
products,
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leads
Wrong verb form
leading
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 to numerous health issues, and some
people
Use synonyms
argues
Correct subject-verb agreement
argue
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 that the price of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 should be increased to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 view, as putting up the price of sugary commodities can not address the problem fundamentally.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the governments are responsible
to raise
Change preposition
for raising
show examples
people
Use synonyms
’s awareness of the
hazard
Fix the agreement mistake
hazards
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 of excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption, and they are supposed to provide free education.
For instance
Linking Words
, it is necessary
that
Change preposition
to
show examples
reporting
Wrong verb form
report
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 on health education in the community every month, which can help
people
Use synonyms
 learn
health relative
Use the right word
health-related
show examples
 knowledge.
In addition
Linking Words
, the authority can offer free medical consultation in the community and school, as it can deal with the issues
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
facing
Wrong verb form
face
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from
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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reality.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the government should supervise that the
sugar
Use synonyms
 content in the food produced by companies
should be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 within a reasonable range. Through these ways,
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 are able to
aware
Verb problem
be aware
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the
Change preposition
of the
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 significance of reducing
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake.
Besides
Linking Words
, in terms of individuality,
people
Use synonyms
 should
make
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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try to change their dietary habits.
As
Change preposition
With
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 the development of society, the level of
people
Use synonyms
’s living has been improved
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 there are multifarious foods to taste,
while
Linking Words
 some of those are unhealthy,
such
Linking Words
 as high
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should attach
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
importance
on
Change preposition
to
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low-
Correct article usage
a low-sugar
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sugar
Use synonyms
 diet and eat less high-
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
breads
Fix the agreement mistake
bread
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, desserts, cakes and so on. Admittedly, more expensive
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 may contribute to
consume
Wrong verb form
consuming
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 less
sugar
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, no matter how expensive they are,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
still are
Correct word order
are still
show examples
 likely to purchase them, so it is not a fundamental way to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue. In conclusion, the government should assume its responsibility to explain the significance of a low-
sugar
Use synonyms
 diet. Meanwhile, the
people
Use synonyms
 themselves are supposed to change
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 lifestyle of consuming high-
sugar
Use synonyms
 habits.

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improvement
Your view is clear, but link your ideas more to the prompt. Start with a clear main sentence in the first para and use a main idea in each paragraph.
improvement
Work on how you move from one idea to the next. Use simple linking words and show how each point connects to your claim.
improvement
Give specific and simple examples that back up each point and relate them to sugar use.
strength
You state your view at the start, which helps show the task focus.
strength
You give both steps for government and for people, showing balance.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
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