IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
 added
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 manufactured
food
Use synonyms
 and drink
products
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 causing health problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity. From my perspective, I disagree
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 opinion that sugary
products
Use synonyms
 should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
. The main reason is that the cost of producing sugary
products
Use synonyms
 is actually very low, as the ingredients for these
products
Use synonyms
, which are predominantly sugarcanes, are commonly seen and easily obtained.
As a result
Linking Words
, it’s inappropriate to increase the
price
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 of sugary
products
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.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, manufacturers in other fields will tend to imitate
this
Linking Words
 action in order to gain larger profits, which is likely to cause
further
Linking Words
 social chaos as
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
price
Use synonyms
 leads to deterioration in residents’ living quality. Another factor is that people
Verb problem
are incline
show examples
incline
Replace the word
inclined
show examples
 to purchase sugary
products
Use synonyms
 despite the
expensive
Correct word choice
high
show examples
price
Use synonyms
, because some manufacturers add a huge amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 to their
products
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 deliberately to tempt consumption. The addiction
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 sweets is formed
due to
Linking Words
 the excessive dopamine that our brain
produce
Correct subject-verb agreement
produces
show examples
 each time we have sweet
food
Use synonyms
. In the long term, if the level of dopamine remains higher than normal,
human
Correct article usage
the human
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 body will need more sweets to stay content. In
this
Linking Words
 way, the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
price
Use synonyms
 can’t block people’s enthusiasm to consume sugary
food
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.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I believe that the more viable method is to introduce policies that
limits
Correct subject-verb agreement
limit
show examples
 the amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 added in
food
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of lifting the
price
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, a fine can be collected from the manufacturers
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 overuse
sugar
Use synonyms
 in
food
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, people should reduce
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake in consideration of their own health.

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task response
Be clear. State one view and keep it strong through the essay. Give strong reasons and end with a firm finish.
task response
Add more facts or examples to back your point.
coherence cohesion
Use clear topic sentences in each paragraph and link ideas with simple words like also, but, for example.
coherence cohesion
Place ideas in a good order: start with cause, then effect, then fix with a plan.
coherence cohesion
Check grammar and make sentences flow well so the reader can follow.
task response
You show a clear view and end with a plan to help health.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a plan to use rules to cut sugar and guide readers.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
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