IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Many manufactured
food
Use synonyms
 and drink products contain levels of
sugar
Use synonyms
, which can lead to many
health
Use synonyms
 problems. I disagree
sugary
Correct word choice
that sugary
show examples
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 should be made more expensive to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
. At the beginning,
price
Use synonyms
 increases will make
health
Use synonyms
unfair
Check wording
care unfair
show examples
. One major characteristic of
high
Use the right word
high-sugar
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
 is their low
price
Use synonyms
, which is why they have become the choice of low-income families. If forced to raise prices, these families may inability to afford them, either turn to lower quality and less nutritious alternatives, or
reducing
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
expense
Fix the agreement mistake
expenses
show examples
 on healthy
food
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
 and eggs.
For example
Linking Words
, in the working families around me, parents used to buy bottled fruit juice for their children, which contained
sugar
Use synonyms
 but was relatively safe. After the
price
Use synonyms
 increased, they could only switch to three no drinks on the street, which actually
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 their
health
Use synonyms
 risks. I firmly believe that education and management are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
effective ways to help
people
Use synonyms
 reduce
sugar
Use synonyms
, rather than simply raising prices. Changing
people
Use synonyms
’s cognition and
consumption
Use synonyms
 environment is the real solution to the problem. On the one hand, through
health
Use synonyms
 education,
such
Linking Words
 as
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 offering relevant courses, the public can
realize
Use the right word
realise
show examples
 that less
sugar
Use synonyms
 equals
health
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, measures can be used to restrict
consumption
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
require
Wrong verb form
requiring
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 to
write
Verb problem
carry
show examples
 high
sugar
Use synonyms
warning
Fix the agreement mistake
warnings
show examples
 and
stop
Wrong verb form
stopping
show examples
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 for
sugar
Use synonyms
 products on children’s channels. These ways are
price
Use synonyms
-independent, fair to all income groups, and can change
people
Use synonyms
’s
consumption
Use synonyms
 habits. In summary, raising the
price
Use synonyms
 of sugary products may seem
simply
Replace the word
simple
show examples
 and direct, but it actually
don’t
Correct subject-verb agreement
doesn’t
show examples
 care about poor
people
Use synonyms
 and
avoid
Correct subject-verb agreement
avoids
show examples
 fundamental issues. The real path to reducing
sugar
Use synonyms
 should be to teach
health
Use synonyms
 knowledge to make
people
Use synonyms
 unwilling to buy, rather than forcing
people
Use synonyms
 to not afford
through
Correct pronoun usage
it through
show examples
price
Use synonyms
. Only in
this
Linking Words
 way can we product public
health
Use synonyms
, ensure fair
consumption
Use synonyms
, and make reducing
sugar
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a truly sustainable choice.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your view clear in the first line. Then keep it as a claim all through the essay.
coherence
Every paragraph should have one main idea and a link to the next paragraph.
development
Give more real facts or numbers to back each idea. Use simpler, short examples.
conclusion
Finish with a short, clear ending that restates your view.
position
You take a clear stance against price rise, showing you understand the issue.
content
You offer a good alternative idea: education and rules.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: