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Writing Samples
Band 5

Schools are no longer necessary, because children can get so much information available through Internet, and they can study just as well at home. What extent do you agree or disagree?

These days,
schools
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 and similar educational institutions are becoming much more prevalent than they have ever been.
This
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 has raised debate over the necessity of
existence
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the existence
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 of
schools
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, as
children
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 can obtain the same amount of
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
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 by easily going through the internet.
Although
Linking Words
, I think there are obvious benefits
in
Change preposition
to
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 online learning, I strongly believe the advantages of face-to-face teaching totally
outweighs
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweigh
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 that
in
Change preposition
of
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 self-study online learning. On the one hand,
children
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 spend lots of time on the way to
Use synonyms
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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. Whether it is a personal car or they go with public transportation, it is still costly considering that they have to repeat
this
Linking Words
 for an entire year. In fact, online learning can reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
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educational expenses in large
number
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numbers
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.
Secondly
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, some
children
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, especially introverts, find self-study learning much more effective. They find it more convenient when they have to struggle and go through information by themselves than when they have to face their instructor.
For instance
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, a study reported by the New York Times showed that shifting to self-study learning can improve some student’s scores
up
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by up
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 to 50%.
On the other hand
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, it seems to me education is not all about thriving in certain studies.
In other words
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, there
are
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is
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 much more for
children
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 to attain than math or sciences. A good pedagogical
programs
Change the noun form
program
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 teaches students about social responsibilities as much as sciences.
Furthermore
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, most of the skills
children
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 learn in
schools
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 that will help them thrive in society in the future
is
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are
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 acquired through communication with others or learning from mistakes.
For example
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, students can learn so many skills
such
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 as teamwork, time management and the ability to control themselves by doing a school project. In conclusion, learning through
Add an article
the internet
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internet
Capitalize word
Internet
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 can help students learn some of their lessons more effectively, but
skills
Correct article usage
the skills
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 they learn by attending
schools
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 and being among their peers are more valuable and
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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abundant.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to clearly explain your main ideas and support them with examples. Each paragraph should focus on a single point that ties back to your overall argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to organize your ideas in a clearer way. Use linking words to connect your points and show how they relate to each other. This will help your essay flow better.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Task Achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your ideas, which helps make your argument stronger.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • social development
  • fostering communication
  • personalized guidance
  • immediate feedback
  • replicated
  • structured environments
  • discipline
  • time management skills
  • extracurricular activities
  • nurture talents
  • inculcate
  • sense of community
  • shared learning experiences
  • equal access
  • learning opportunities
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