IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothing and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own whishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There has been debate whether young people should make their own choices or whether it is a bad method that would lead to severe consequences. In
this
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 essay, l will go through both sides and provide my own opinion. On one side, the main reason is that if we give our kids the freedom to choose whatever they want it is most likely they will tend to be sailfish.
This
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 means, at first they have the charge to make their own decision so they will just think about why we need
parents
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 because they can make decisions without any punishment which they will be spoiled. Take my little brother as an example my
parents
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 gave him the green light to choose what food he wanted to eat
as a result
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 he became a picky eater.
On the other hand
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 , there are people who argue
that is
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 a beneficial way to raise a child not only they may become independent children ,but
also
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 their personality will grow and become stronger.
This
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 means the
parents
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 will have more free time to practice their hobbies which will build a happy family. There is research done on families that are doing
this
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 method and all their children become independent children in a big place in the country. In conclusion, having looked at
this
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 topic in detail, on balance
it is clear that
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 the negative outweighs the positive,
although
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 it is true that there are benefits like being independent and a stronger person ,
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however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it can make a monster. From my perspective, the best way
is just teach
Change the verb form
is just to teach
show examples
them how they can save their money but the other things
parents
Use synonyms
 should choose.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but try to state your opinion more clearly. Make it direct so readers know your view.
task achievement
You have made good points, but some ideas need more detail and examples to really support them.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are repeated or not connected clearly. Use linking words like 'firstly', 'for example', and 'in conclusion' to help with flow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences can be hard to follow. Try to use simpler sentences and make sure each sentence connects well to the next.
task achievement
You have mentioned both sides of the argument, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your points well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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