IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree?

This
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 essay argues that nowadays many
children
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 spend a lot of
time
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 on computers and electronic entertainment. They assume that better to motivate them to spend more
time
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 outside playing sports with friends or games. I believe
that is
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 a good way because spending a lot of
time
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 on the computer has an effect on the brain. On the one hand, young people or
children
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 prefer to spend all the
time
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 at home playing video games and do not do any exercise body which will cause many health problems,
for example
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, obesity, poor eyesight, and inability to focus anything,
in addition
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, they can not make relationship outside or in school because they feel it is difficult to do that.
For instance
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, in Japan,they surveyed
children
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 who spend a lot of
time
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 on a computer their academic results were very low 60% another
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 they not use a computer academic results were very high 80%.
On the other hand
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, to solve
this
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 problem we must try to encourage our
children
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 to spend there there
time
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 outside to build relationships, and
also
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, do exercise by playing sports and games. That relies on helping them to be a smart and social person.
For example
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, in Saudi Arabia, they conduct surveys in schools, some students improve on studies because their parents help them to learn outside like going to an institution to learn English or learn sports. In conclusion, we must try to develop skills in our
children
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 to improve in school and help them to be a social person and let them learn new things, and not let them stay all their
time
Use synonyms
 at home.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to structure your essay with clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea.
task achievement
Provide clearer examples and details to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple sentences and check for grammar mistakes to make your writing clearer.
task achievement
You have addressed the topic and provided arguments for your point of view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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