IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All over the world, the number of overweight people is growing. What do you feel are the main cause of this? What are the effect?

It is widely believed that number of individuals with
obesity
Use synonyms
 is growing. One of the reasons why fast foods are very popular nowadays,
however
Linking Words
 , is that fast foods use a lot of sugar, fat, and cholesterol. Their sustenance leads consumers to
obesity
Use synonyms
,
therefore
Linking Words
, it can cause other issues with health
such
Linking Words
 as high blood pressure and diabetes. The government should limit the fats and sugar that are used to cook junk food that will not significantly help the nation with overweight but, it is better than nothing The second reason why the total of
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 overweight is growing is that individuals can't control themselves to stop eating sugar and fatty bread
due to
Linking Words
, their taste and availability and aggressive marketing. Fast fare is located in every corner of cities makes almost impossible
to
Change preposition
for to
show examples
 humans stop consuming rubble feed they need moral preparation and an understanding of why they should stop. We should help and support
bourgeois
Correct article usage
the bourgeois
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 who want to get rid of
obesity
Use synonyms
 and
then
Linking Words
 the figure of
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 overweight will decrease significantly The third reason why families choose
rubble
Correct article usage
a rubble
show examples
 menu
instead
Linking Words
 of
homemade
Correct article usage
a homemade
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 healthy menu is
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 an economic factor that junk cooking is more affordable compared to healthy meals.
For example
Linking Words
, eating in the street fast menu is cheaper than buying useful groceries. The government should lower the price of healthy groceries so people choose to buy good food
instead
Linking Words
 of rubble snacks.
to sum
Linking Words
up
Add a comma
up,
show examples
 families should pay attention to that problem, the number of people with overweight are growing fast nowadays, and it can lead to problems in future.
However
Linking Words
, we need to support them and motivate them so they can get rid of
obesity
Use synonyms

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your main points. A strong thesis statement will guide your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to help the reader understand your main ideas.
task achievement
Consider using more specific examples to support your points; this can make your argument stronger and clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the flow of your essay by using linking words and phrases. This can help your ideas connect better.
task achievement
You have identified several important causes of obesity, such as fast food and economic factors.
task achievement
Your essay acknowledges the need for government intervention, which adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Overweight
  • Obesity
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Nutritional education
  • Aggressive marketing
  • Screen time
  • Economic factors
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Chronic illnesses
  • Heart disease
  • Diabetes
  • Hypertension
  • Psychological issues
  • Low self-esteem
  • Healthcare systems
  • Productivity
  • Stigmatization
  • Discrimination
  • Portion sizes
  • Convenience food
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