IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

It is more important to spend public money promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree of disagree?

Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should invest more money to promote
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 among dwellers
instead
Linking Words
 of concentrating on recovering
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 diseases. I mostly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement as it is impossible to arrange treatments in hospitals for a large number of
people
Use synonyms
 . To hinder diseases
among
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
, there are many approaches
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can
involved
Add a missing verb
be involved
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
 , awareness programs for the community
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 important as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
delivers
Correct subject-verb agreement
deliver
show examples
 messages to individuals by professionals
such
Linking Words
 as doctors.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 education level , students should be guided to choose
Correct article usage
a nutrient
show examples
nutrient dense
Add a hyphen
nutrient-dense
show examples
 diet by tutors preventing addiction to junk foods around .
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , There should be
authorized
Correct article usage
an authorized
show examples
 unit to guarantee standards for groceries to ensure healthy foods for consumers. Bakeries and restaurants need to be checked regularly to enhance the quality of products. In
contemporary
Add an article
the contemporary
show examples
 world ,
root
Add an article
the root
show examples
 cause for most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as cholesterol , high blood pressure and diabetes is sugary or oily unhealthy foods .Apart from that , Cycling can be promoted within cities to enhance physical activities among
people
Use synonyms
. For
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
instance , European countries have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
already developed city networks with cycling tracks and walking tracks .
According to
Linking Words
 the above examples, it is obvious that there are many ways
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
 can contribute to
residents
Change noun form
residents'
resident's
show examples
overall
Linking Words
 health rather than only focusing on treatments for already ill
people
Use synonyms
.

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introduction/conclusion
Work on making your introduction clearer and ensure you include a clear conclusion that summarizes your views.
coherence
Try to connect your ideas better by using linking words. This will help the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Make sure each main point is clearly supported with examples. This will help strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You have identified important ways the government can promote a healthy lifestyle, which shows good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your examples show awareness of how other countries handle health promotion, which adds credibility to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • public health campaigns
  • lifestyle-related illnesses
  • quality of life
  • health-conscious society
  • allocate funds
  • balanced healthcare system
  • comprehensive healthcare strategy
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