The limited budgets of governments, especially those in developing countries, are better spent on health and education than on employment-generating projects. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Nowadays, funds
is
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are
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crucial for all governments to maintain the
countries’
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country’s
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business and people living. When the governments, especially the ones in developing
countries
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countries,
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are running out of funds, they need to be more conservative on their cost allocation. Some people believed that the government should
reserve
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allocate
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more money
on
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to
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health
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and
education
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instead
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of projects initiated by job
employment
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creation
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. From my perspective, I agree with
this
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as they are more critical to the country’s development. My reasons will be
further
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explained in
this
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essay with supporting examples.
Health
Use synonyms
significantly affects people’s activity regardless of their age. If more money
investment
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apply
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is
made
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invested
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on
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in
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medical privileges
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such
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, such
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as offering
subsidy
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a subsidy
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for
health
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insurance, residents would be encouraged to take care of
physical
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their physical
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and mental
health
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by doing medical checkups regularly.
Besides
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, they would be more willing to take medication whenever they have any sickness, so
to
Correct word choice
as to
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get
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apply
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recovered
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recover
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fast
Replace the word
faster
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. With the
government
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government's
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help on
health
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welfare, workers can stay healthy easily and be more productive at work,
thus
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to have more contribution to the market economy. Apart from
health
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,
education
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is
also
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indispensable to all of us as it allows us to be more knowledgeable.
For instance
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, learning science and technology at schools can lead students to be savvy about
such
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areas,
thus
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to apply their skills
into
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in
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their
job
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apply
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career when they grow up. Compared to the employees with less
education
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, highly educated employees tend to be more intelligent
that
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so that
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they
could
Wrong verb form
can
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work smarter and quicker.
Hence
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, they could have higher work production. In conclusion, both
health
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and
education
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have higher importance
on
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in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
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countries’
Check wording
country’s
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development than projects that require job workers, despite some governments may
have
Verb problem
apply
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lack
of
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apply
show examples
funds. Without having good
health
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and
education
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, citizens would not be able to put more effort
on
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into
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strengthening and maintaining the country’s market economy.

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task achievement
Try to make your introduction clearer and more direct in stating your opinion. You could say, 'I completely agree that health and education should receive more funding.'
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences to help organize your paragraphs. Each paragraph should start with a sentence that tells the reader what the paragraph will be about.
task achievement
Make sure to explain why your examples are important. Sometimes you mentioned good examples but didn’t explain how they support your point clearly.
task achievement
Your discussion of health and education is relevant and shows understanding of their importance.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear conclusion that sums up your main ideas well.
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