IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the developed world, the average life expentancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of aging populations.

In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, the availability of numerous treatments and
trend
Correct article usage
the trend
show examples
 of opting healthy lifestyle
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 decreasing the mortality rates.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 several negative implications for the upcoming generations and the community
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 job opportunities for young adults and overpopulation in the nations.
Additionally
Linking Words
, regulatory bodies can impose some restrictions on the
age
Use synonyms
 of retirement in the professions
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 to enhance the ability of young
people
Use synonyms
 to demonstrate their skills. The increased life expectancy of
people
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 resulted in the dominance of experienced and aged workforce in higher positions at a workplace.
This
Linking Words
 trend hinders the opportunities for the emerging professionals to apply for
higher paid
Use the right word
higher-paid
show examples
 job roles because employers do not want to lose their permanent and experienced staff.
For example
Linking Words
, the online data of a company named Tata, located in India,
provided
Verb problem
shows
show examples
 that 75 per cent of the
higher paid
Use the right word
higher-paid
show examples
 roles consisted of employees who are aged over 60 years.
Additionally
Linking Words
, nations all over the world are experiencing issues
such
Linking Words
 as less
accomodation
Correct your spelling
accommodation
,
due to
Linking Words
 increasing population. The high proportion of birth rates and longer life
span
Correct subject-verb agreement
spans
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 have
lead
Replace the word
led
show examples
 to cities being overcrowded
resulting
Punctuation problem
, resulting
show examples
 in limited housing, high rents and limited resources
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 do not
fulfill
Use the right word
fulfil
show examples
 the needs of the residents.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the government can implement strategies to reduce the impact of aged individuals on the country by emphasising
on forming
Wrong verb form
the formation of
show examples
 regulations that
limits
Correct subject-verb agreement
limit
show examples
 the average
age
Use synonyms
 of a person to work in an organisation. Currently, in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nations, the retirement
age
Use synonyms
 is 70 years
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, the authorities can reduce it to 65.
Along with
Linking Words
, focus
Correct pronoun usage
this, focus
show examples
 should
also
Linking Words
 be shifted towards the financial needs of these retired
people
Use synonyms
. The government
Linking Words
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 addition to
pensions
Punctuation problem
pensions,
show examples
 should provide subsidies and benefits to
people
Use synonyms
 to ensure the smooth flow of the general public who are old and retired from their professional positions. In conclusion, the higher life expectancy rate impacts the emerging workforce and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society by limiting
professional
Correct article usage
the professional
show examples
 growth of youngsters and leading to
demand
Correct article usage
a demand
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 more resources.
Thus
Linking Words
, the authorities can limit the dominant aspect of
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in
higher paid
Use the right word
higher-paid
show examples
 jobs by reducing the
age
Use synonyms
 of retirement.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that connects back to the question.
task achievement
Expand on your examples to provide more detail and clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Improve your introduction and conclusion to summarize your points effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and provides points about the implications of aging populations.
task achievement
You have included some relevant examples to support your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: