IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Modern technology allows organisations and governments to follow most of our movements and online activity. Is this a positive or a negative development?

Recent technological advances have made it much easier for governments and commercial organisations to record where we are and what we do online.
While
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this
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 may have prevented some crime, I believe that
this
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 constant monitoring is a negative development
overall
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, as it takes away our right to privacy. There is no doubt that the CCTV cameras placed all over most cities have prevented some crimes. Having said that, the fact that crime has not fallen in proportion to the increase in CCTV shows that in practice it is only partially effective. With the excuse of protecting us against terrorism, our communications can be secretly monitored by government organisations, even if we are not suspected of doing anything wrong. In my opinion,
this
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 is out of proportion to the threat of terrorism and goes beyond what any government should do.
In addition
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 to
this
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, records of our personal internet activity are sold, without our permission, to companies to help them sell things to us. The technology to do
this
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 is developing much faster than laws can limit it. In my opinion,
this
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 allows companies to put profit before ethics, which is a major minus point. Even more seriously, many believe that our internet data is being collected and
then
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 used to influence our political decisions.
While
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 lawmakers try to control
this
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, in
reality
Add the comma(s)
reality,
show examples
 the techniques of Artificial Intelligence are developing so quickly that
this
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 is difficult or impossible. Breakthroughs in surveillance technology,
together with
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 its increased secret use by many governments, mean that we are in danger of losing our privacy completely.
Overall
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,
therefore
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, I believe the negatives of constant monitoring outweigh the positives.

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task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your points, particularly in paragraphs discussing online activity and its impact.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to maintain a steady flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer's perspective.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph is well-organized and presents a clear main point.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer's stance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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