IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research,business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
world
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, some
people
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 argue that sharing
information
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 is good
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 scientific
research
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,
academic
Correct article usage
the academic
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 field and
business
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,
while
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 others believe that some
information
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 is too valuable to be shared freely.
Although
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 sharing
such
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information
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 can offer great opportunities
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such
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, such
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 as global development
which
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, which
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 will enhance the quality of human life, sharing some
information
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 can have detrimental consequences
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such
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, such
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 as
,
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apply
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information
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 about
warfare
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 and loss in local businesses. Sharing
information
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 will lead to development across the globe and
better
Correct article usage
a better
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 quality of life. A nuanced understanding of the issues that
people
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 experience around the
world
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 is necessary, mainly health issues and
poor
Correct article usage
a poor
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 education system
which
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, which
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 could be solved if developed countries share their ideas and medical
research
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 to help
people
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 in need, which will lead to enormous change.
In addition
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, sharing
business
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 can lead to great opportunities for
people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 lack intellectual prowess
,
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.
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for
Fix capitalization
For
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 instance,
people
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 in
third
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third-world
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world
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 countries
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such
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, such
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 as
south east
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Southeast
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 Asian
nations
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nations,
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 suffer from viral diseases like malaria
which
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, which
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 can be easily dealt with if
people
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 share medical
research
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.
However
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, despite the aforementioned benefits,
normalizing
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normalising
show examples
sharing
Correct article usage
the sharing
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Use synonyms
information
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of information
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 may lead to more harm than good. Valuable
information
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 about
warfare
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 technology and ideas about businesses could hinder
world
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 peace and social harmony. Sharing technology about medical facilities and things that will facilitate others may be advantageous but knowledge about
warfare
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 and
business
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 ideas will lead to detrimental results for they will create nuisance in social peace and
warfare
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 technology may be used for criminal purposes by internationally recognized criminal groups and organizations,
for example
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, the USA has
world
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 strongest military and modern war equipment, if shared with other nations for self defense or for regional protection could lead to potential risk of leaking that
information
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 to criminal groups,
moreover
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 sharing
information
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 about businesses can harm their progress,
such
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 as cocacola and pepsi, famous soft drink companies that has preserved their recipe for years would experience loss if they share their
information
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,
therefore
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this
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 essay contends that sharing
information
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 could have drawbacks.
To conclude
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, sharing
information
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 lead to better opportunities to enhance the quality of life and may solve issues regarding health but it
also
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 leads to greater problems
such
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 as more crimes and could possibly disrupts
world
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 peace,
therefore
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this
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 essay firmly believe that sharing
information
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 about
business
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, academic
world
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 and scientific
research
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 could lead to more harm.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that each sentence supports that idea. This will help the reader follow your argument better.
task achievement
Try to use more specific examples that directly relate to your points. This can make your arguments stronger and clearer.
language
Keeping your language clear and simple will help communicate your ideas better. Avoid complex sentences where they are not needed.
task achievement
You have identified important points and arguments for both sides of the discussion, which is good for task response.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely sums up your argument, showing a clear personal opinion at the end.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • information sharing
  • scientific research
  • business
  • academic world
  • advancement of knowledge
  • progress
  • collaboration
  • cross-disciplinary research
  • open access
  • democratization of information
  • transparency
  • credibility
  • intellectual property
  • security concerns
  • commercial interests
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