IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many government like to spend more money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However some think government should spend more on health and education. Discuss both side and give your opinion.

Nowadays, some people think that the
government
Use synonyms
 should spend more
budgets
Fix the agreement mistake
budget
show examples
 on the
arts
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that health and education are of paramount importance to be supported. I personally believe with the latter view, for even if the
arts
Use synonyms
 will eventually contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
Correct article usage
the national’s
show examples
national’s
Replace the word
nation’s
show examples
 income
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 tourism,
citizen’s
Check wording
citizens’
show examples
 basic necessities are more predominant. On one hand,
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
 are very essential to attract visitors from all over the world to come to a country. By having unique dances and traditions, people definitely have a
willing
Replace the word
willingness
show examples
 to come and happily shop around.
As a result
Linking Words
, there will be a good economic turnaround, both
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
local
Correct article usage
a local
show examples
 and national scale.
For instance
Linking Words
, a high number of tourists coming to Bali every year
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 supported in improving
local’s
Check wording
locals’
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
,
as well as
Linking Words
 increasing Indonesia’s
overall
Linking Words
 annual earnings.
However
Linking Words
, despite the fact that
Use synonyms
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
 particularly support national income, it will be wiser if the
government
Use synonyms
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
citizen’s
Check wording
citizens’
show examples
 basic
necessity
Fix the agreement mistake
necessities
show examples
 as their main priority to release the budget. In fact, those two aspects are very significant in order to create a prosperous country. Increasing
government
Use synonyms
 expenditure portions on health will create more accessible facilities
as well as
Linking Words
 affordable treatments for all
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
 of citizens.
Moreover
Linking Words
, providing
budget
Correct article usage
a budget
show examples
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 education will foster
bright-minded
Correct article usage
a bright-minded
show examples
 and skilled young generation.
This
Linking Words
 probably
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 the quality of the nation itself
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will be useful to grow as a developed country in the future. In summary,
although
Linking Words
 spending budget on
arts
Use synonyms
 may increase
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
 income from
tourism
Correct article usage
the tourism
show examples
 cluster,
prioritizing
Use the right word
prioritising
show examples
 health and education
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more beneficial as it makes an impact on a wider scale.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is better for the
government
Use synonyms
 to
prioritize
Use the right word
prioritise
show examples
 those two aspects in the first place.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.
task achievement
Add more examples or explanation to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example about tourism in Bali.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • allocate
  • lavish
  • cultivate
  • preserve
  • heritage
  • promote
  • enrich
  • stimulate
  • patronage
  • advocate
  • allocate
  • funding
  • essential
  • accessible
  • improve
  • enhance
  • well-being
  • invest
  • research
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: