IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, older people who have retired often choose to spend money on themselves rather than save money for their children. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In recent years, the issue of retired aged individuals
are preffered
Wrong verb form
preferring
show examples
 to spend currency on themselves has become a common concern across all sectors of society. I contend that it
it
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
could have both positive and negative
development
Use synonyms
 as aged
people
Use synonyms
 decide to spend their own money as their own
instead
Linking Words
 of giving to their children. On the one hand, a great number of merits come from the first statement.
To begin
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 with, nowadays
people
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are retired
Wrong verb form
retire
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 at 65 years old and their
life
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 expectancy
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 so high, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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they like to utilise their whole
savings
Use synonyms
 as their own.
For example
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, aged
people
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 of the developed countries
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 now keep
their all
Correct word order
all their
show examples
savings
Use synonyms
 for the rest of their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they could enjoy in summer or
accommodate
Wrong verb form
be accommodated
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 with special facilities if
they need
Wrong verb form
needed
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.
However
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, it is a way of modern living that costs a lot. Another worth mentioning point could be that these individuals
are
Verb problem
apply
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often
struggled
Wrong verb form
struggle
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 and
devoted
Wrong verb form
devote
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 of recreation in their whole
life
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. So it is the accurate time to unwind
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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with nature.
For instance
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,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 know one neighbour who is retired and now
travel
Correct subject-verb agreement
travels
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 from one country to another.
Moreover
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, in
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
show examples
 case,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 believe that it is a positive
development
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 for
retired
Correct article usage
a retired
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 person.
On the other hand
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, young
people
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 are now quite
independant
Correct your spelling
independent
 and lead their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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according to
Linking Words
 their
wish
Fix the agreement mistake
wishes
show examples
.
For example
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, teenagers
of
Change preposition
in
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 are
independant
Correct your spelling
independent
 at 16 and engage with others . As they earn money at their early age, they do not often need their
parents
Check wording
parents'
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 money.
As a result
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, their parents do not credit any amount in the bank
acoount
Correct your spelling
account
 for them. I believe it is a negative
development
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 for them because they are devoted from their
parents
Check wording
parents'
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savings
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.
To sum up
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, having analysed both the views,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 personally believe that
people
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 who are in retirement
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 should keep their
savings
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 for their own, especially in their
needy
Replace the word
need
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time
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
However
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, it would be a positive
development
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 with many benefits for the
retirement
Replace the word
retired
show examples
 individuals.

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task achievement
Make sure to focus your ideas more clearly. Each paragraph should have one main idea that is well-supported with examples.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clear linking words to connect your ideas. This will help your essay flow better and be easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Watch out for grammar and spelling mistakes. They can distract from your message. For example, "independant" should be "independent".
task achievement
You included personal examples, which make your essay more relatable and interesting.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction presents the topic clearly, showing that you're aware of the debate.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial independence
  • invest
  • prioritize
  • personal fulfillment
  • family dynamics
  • wellness
  • self-sufficiency
  • financial stability
  • quality of life
What to do next:
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