IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Media surrounds us, from the shows we watch on television to the music we listen to on the radio. How does media affect the society? Do you agree that the impact of media has more disadvantages than benefits?

Many
people
Use synonyms
 around the
world
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 need help, and some argue that
governments
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 should dedicate their efforts to help their citizens and not waste their resources supporting other
people
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 in different
countries
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. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 view, as focusing
in
Change preposition
on
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 local
people
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’s needs can positively impact the country’s development
as well as
Linking Words
 reduce the global number of poor
people
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 who
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
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 external financial
support
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. One key reason for
governments
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 to focus on their
people
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 is
increasing
Wrong verb form
to increase
show examples
 the
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countries
Check wording
country's
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 development.
In other words
Linking Words
, when they invest the local resources to
support
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 their citizens, they can provide
better
Correct article usage
a better
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 life quality for
people
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.
For example
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, investing in building schools in the local community will enhance the educational level for individuals
as well as
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 provide job opportunities for them.
This
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 leads to developing the country’s education sector, which
raise
Correct subject-verb agreement
raises
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 the quality of life for
people
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.
Additionally
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,
this
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 will contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 reducing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
global poverty. Reducing the number of
people
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 in need around the
world
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 is another factor that motivates
governments
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 to start with themselves. Working toward increasing their citizens’ income rather than putting
this
Linking Words
 money in other
countries
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 can benefit the global financial
aids
Fix the agreement mistake
aid
show examples
.
For instance
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, a 10% increase in employees’ salaries would significantly help in reducing local poverty, which in
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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turn reduces the number of poor
people
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 around the
world
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. For these reasons, I believe the
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governments
Check wording
government's
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 priority should be
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 individuals. In conclusion, many
people
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 in the
world
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 need
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
support
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 to live, which is the
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governments’
Check wording
government’s
show examples
 responsibility.
However
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, it is not easy to provide help for
people
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 in other
countries
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.
Therefore
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, I
support
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 the view that encourages
governments
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 to
utilize
Use the right word
utilise
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 their resources to
fulfill
Use the right word
fulfil
show examples
 the requirements of their individuals, as
this
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 can lead not only to local improvement but
also
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 to
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 global poverty.

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the clarity of your main points to make it easier for readers to follow your argument.
task achievement
Add more examples or details to make your arguments stronger, helping to deepen your explanation.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion on the matter, which helps the reader understand your position right away.
coherence and cohesion
You provided a good conclusion that summarizes your main points well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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