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Writing Samples
Band 4

The bar graph below represents data about the clubs joined by people of two different age groups at a leisure centre in a small city.

The bar graph below represents data about the clubs joined by people of two different age groups at a leisure centre in a small city.
The bar charts
provieds
Correct your spelling
provide
 key information about the number of different
Use synonyms
group ages
Check wording
age groups
show examples
 between young and elderly
people
Use synonyms
 who joined a leisure club
consistieing
Correct your spelling
consisting
six
Change preposition
of six
show examples
 different
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of activities.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clear from the graph that photography showed an
equavilent
Correct your spelling
equivalent
 number of both 25-35 and 55-65 aged
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
individulas
Correct your spelling
individuals
 who
aged
Verb problem
were aged
show examples
 from 25 to 35 had a significantly high joining
rates
Fix the agreement mistake
rate
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 in most of the
acitivities
Correct your spelling
activities
 compared to gardening,
whereas
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 aged from 55 to 65 had the highest rate in gardening.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown
arts
Punctuation problem
, arts
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 and crafts , and cycling
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 the most
populare acitiveties
Correct your spelling
popular activities
 among the
group
Use synonyms
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
25-35 , both
accounted
Replace the word
accounting
show examples
 for 60-65 ,respectively,
while
Linking Words
 the other
group
Use synonyms
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 55-65 accounted
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less than a fifth. In terms of fitness and music/dance
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 almost has the same ratio for both
25
Correct article usage
the 25
show examples
-35
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and 55-65
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
accounting
Punctuation problem
, accounting
show examples
 for 50% approximately, with
showing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
slightly higher values for ages 25-35 . Gardening had the highest rate among old
people
Use synonyms
 55-65 , ranging nearly at 57%,
whereas
Linking Words
 the other
group
Use synonyms
25
Punctuation problem
, 25
show examples
-
35
Punctuation problem
35,
show examples
 ranged less than a third.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words group, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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