IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Employees sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Sharing personal
information
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 is often required during the job application process, especially in interviews.
However
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, there is ongoing debate about whether
such
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information
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 is relevant and appropriate to ask. There are several reasons why asking for personal
information
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 can be beneficial, especially for employers.
For instance
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, marital status is essential in determining the expected salary of an applicant, particularly in the public sector. Spousal and child allowances are often included in a civil servant’s salary package.
In addition
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, marital status can affect the calculation of health or employment insurance premiums, which vary depending on a person’s family situation.
Furthermore
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,
information
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such
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 as hobbies and interests may be useful for human resource development. Some
organizations
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organisations
show examples
 offer enrichment programs or training opportunities not directly related to work, but aligned with employees’ personal interests.
On the other hand
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, sharing personal details can
also
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 pose significant risks. Since
such
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data
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 is private and sensitive, leaks or misuse can impact the applicant's personal life. Many people experience an increase in spam messages, unwanted calls, or promotional offers
due to
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 their
data
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 being shared or sold.
Moreover
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, job applicants are not yet employees, so there may be limited legal protection over their personal
data
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.
This
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 makes it more likely that companies might mishandle the
information
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 if there are no clear privacy policies in place. In conclusion, sharing personal
information
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 with employers can be acceptable and even beneficial, as long as
data
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 protection is guaranteed.
However
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, without a clear and trustworthy privacy policy,
such
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information
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 could be misused, which may harm the individual.
Therefore
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, ensuring strict
data
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 security should be a top priority in the hiring process.

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task achievement
Work on providing clearer examples to illustrate your points. When you mention how marital status affects salary, you can give a brief example regarding a specific field or job.
coherence
Make sure all your ideas are linked clearly between paragraphs with transition words or phrases. This will help create a smoother flow of ideas.
coherence
Consider varying the sentence structure a bit more, as this can enhance the quality of your writing and make it more engaging.
task achievement
You present both sides of the argument well, which shows good critical thinking.
coherence
Your introduction and conclusion clearly outline the topic and summarize your views effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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