IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, there is an increasing number of
population
Check wording
people who are
show examples
overweighted
Replace the word
overweight
show examples
, and it has
gained more
Verb problem
become
show examples
issue
Correct article usage
an issue
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 for the
health care
Use the right word
healthcare
show examples
 system to take care
.
Change preposition
of.
show examples
While
Linking Words
 some folks suggest that the
idiol
Correct your spelling
ideal
 way to tackle
this
Linking Words
 problem is to apply more sports lessons to the class. In my opinion, I agree that the education of doing
Use synonyms
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 is important, but to understand the knowledge of how to eat healthier is
also
Linking Words
 essential.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 many schools
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 introduced
Use synonyms
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 activity to the curriculum for a long time,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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the unhealthy conditions
from
Change preposition
among
show examples
graduated
Fix the agreement mistake
graduates
show examples
Use synonyms
students
Check wording
apply
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started only recently.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should teach
students
Use synonyms
 to do
Use synonyms
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 constantly and
regually
Correct your spelling
regularly
instead
Linking Words
 of only doing
at
Correct pronoun usage
it at
show examples
school
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, teachers can support
students
Use synonyms
 exploring their
favorite
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favourite
show examples
 activities to encourage their
motivations
Fix the agreement mistake
motivation
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if
school
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 can make friends with their peers who
shared
Wrong verb form
share
show examples
 the same interests, it could
advance
Verb problem
help
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 build up a
long- term
Use the right word
long-term
show examples
Use synonyms
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 habit.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
food
Check wording
a healthy
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 diet should be taught to
students
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
 as well, because there are
meny
Correct your spelling
many
 unclean
Use synonyms
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
, artificial
Use synonyms
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
 which they can be obsessed. If educators can give
correct
Correct article usage
the correct
show examples
 idea to
students
Use synonyms
 about having more vegetables than junk
food
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 it is more likely that they can carry on their good eating
habbits
Correct your spelling
habits
 after they graduate. In conclusion, I agree that schools should add more
Use synonyms
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 courses
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
students
Use synonyms
, but it is
also
Linking Words
nessesary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to let children learn to eat healthier.

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task response
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion and the main points you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to improve the flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammar mistakes and spelling to avoid confusion.
task response
You provide a good explanation of the importance of exercise and healthy eating.
coherence and cohesion
The organization of ideas is logical, with clear paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
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