Some people consider art to be essential and others think it is not. Which view do you agree with and why? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

There is no denying the fact that
art
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is important to
ourselves
Correct pronoun usage
us
show examples
and society. I strongly agree because our talk
people
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in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
several ways,
such
Linking Words
as mentally or financially. 
To begin
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with, researches show that most
people
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have recovered from illnesses,
art
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has a significant role in getting their
life
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together. Most
of
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apply
show examples
patients start to do some
art
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in order to get
to
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apply
show examples
their normal
life
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again
Rephrase
back
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.
For instance
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,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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of
people
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after fighting illnesses are most likely having talent
such
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as drawing ,writing poems and a lot of other kinds of
art
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. It is making them feel more connected to
life
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and
have
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has
show examples
a reason to continue. Another point to consider is
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although
Correct word choice
that although
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art
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is more like
hobby
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a hobby
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since
people
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enjoy doing it, it can
boosts
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boost
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the economy.
Variety
Correct article usage
A variety
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of individuals are selling what they are good at. It is their job
depending
Punctuation problem
, depending
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on completely and
some
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for some
show examples
people
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as
Punctuation problem
, as
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a second job, because it is a win. Doing what you love and making money from it.
For example
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, many
people
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in my country do
this
Linking Words
, especially nurses. Like opening a salon or a coffee shop
while
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still having another job. Which might help
increasing
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increase
show examples
the economy. In conclusion, despite
people
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having different views, I believe that
art
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play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
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a crucial part in the world. Arts can't help
people
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go through
life
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
boost the economy.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and stick to it throughout the paragraph.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific artists or art movements that helped people.
grammar and language
Check your grammar and spelling. For example, 'in a several ways' should be 'in several ways'.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use linking words like 'first', 'next', and 'finally' to connect your ideas better.
task achievement
You express a strong opinion about the importance of art clearly.
supported main points
You provide an interesting connection between art and recovery from illness.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural expression
  • preserving cultural identity
  • foster creativity
  • critical thinking
  • emotional expression
  • economic activity
  • boost tourism
  • therapeutic effects
  • reduce stress
  • social commentary
  • promote social change
  • individual expression
  • personal fulfillment
  • sense of achievement
What to do next:
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