IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In many parts of the world, obesity is
one
Use synonyms
 of the most common diseases suffered by
children
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the key causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem, including overconsumption of
fast-foods
Use the right word
fast food
show examples
, and propose practical solutions
such
Linking Words
 as implementing mindful eating and policy intervention by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to effectively tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue. There are several underlying factors contributing to the
prevalent
Replace the word
prevalence
show examples
 of obesity in
children
Use synonyms
.
One
Use synonyms
 significant cause is
Use synonyms
children
Correct word choice
that children
show examples
 often consume
fast-foods
Use the right word
fast food
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a daily basis.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 most well-known restaurants or
food
Use synonyms
 delivery apps
offer
Wrong verb form
offering
show examples
 delicious
fast-foods
Use the right word
fast food
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as fried chicken and
nugget
Fix the agreement mistake
nuggets
show examples
, at an affordable price, which
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to buy the available foods. To address
this
Linking Words
 challenge,
one
Use synonyms
 effective solution is
the
Correct article usage
that
show examples
 parents should teach their
children
Use synonyms
 how to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mindful
eater
Fix the agreement mistake
eaters
show examples
. When the
children
Use synonyms
 are well-informed about eating and its impact on
bodies
Correct pronoun usage
their bodies
show examples
, they will more likely become more aware and selective in choosing their foods.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 has a key role to tackle
this
Linking Words
 problem. In
this
Linking Words
 regard,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should introduce a policy
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast-
food
Use synonyms
 restaurants to put information about ingredients on the
food
Use synonyms
 packages.
For example
Linking Words
, KFC,
one
Use synonyms
 of the biggest fried chicken restaurants based in the US, has displayed the sign label to inform the amount of calories
intake
Check wording
they consume
show examples
 and recommend people to not consume their products frequently. In conclusion, childhood obesity is a complex issue stemming from huge consumption
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 fast
food
Use synonyms
, but it can be effectively tackled through raising awareness of healthy
food
Use synonyms
 consumption and implementing strict
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast-
food
Use synonyms
 stores.

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task achievement
Make sure to provide clearer examples throughout your essay to support your ideas. This will help strengthen your argument and provide evidence for your claims.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the flow of your essay by using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas. This will help make your writing clearer and easier to follow.
task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the issue of childhood obesity and states the main points that will be discussed.
task achievement
You provided valid solutions to address the issue of childhood obesity, showing your understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
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