IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Governments in many countries have recently introduced special taxes on foods and beverages with high levels of sugar. Some think these taxes are a good idea while others disagree. Discuss both views and give you own opinion.

Nowadays, many national governments have recently introduced special taxes on junk
food
Use synonyms
 and beverages with high levels of sugar. Some individuals support these measures because they believe it will help to decrease the consumption of
this
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 type of
food
Use synonyms
,
while
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 others
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 are against it because it limits their capacity to choose what to eat. I firmly believe that
this
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 action from different governments is adequate.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is well known that
this
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 kind of cuisine and beverages are affecting people's health severely.
Furthermore
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, the public system spends more and more money every year to give access to
an
Correct article usage
apply
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adequate treatment for chronic
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
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 like diabetes.
Therefore
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, those who are in favour of
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 special taxes claim
that
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is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
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 a good way to control the detrimental effects of
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
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 sort of
food
Use synonyms
 on the population. To illustrate, it is a fact, there has been a surge in diabetes
diagnosis
Fix the agreement mistake
diagnoses
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during
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent years, and the primary cause of
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
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 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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unhealthy nutritional habits.
Nevertheless
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, those who disagree argue
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that these extra costs only limit the options of
food
Use synonyms
 which people can buy.
Additionally
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, they
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also have
Correct word order
have also
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 claimed that those mainly affected by these higher prices are those who have fewer resources.
While
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 there is still a huge group of individuals who continue buying
this
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 type of
food
Use synonyms
 and liquids.
Moreover
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, for
them
Add a comma
them,
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the a
Choose an article
a
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 suitable solution would be for governments to focus their efforts on creating educational programs which could really convince citizens to eat healthier.
To conclude
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, it is true
,
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apply
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 that both views have their points clearly exposed.
However
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, in my opinion, these special taxes are a great start to face the issue that unhealthy foods
mean
Verb problem
pose
show examples
 in these current days for individuals and the public system.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but try to add a more specific thesis statement to state your opinion clearly.
task achievement
In your paragraphs, make sure to always fully support your points with examples or explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas better. Using linking words like 'firstly', 'however', and 'in addition' will help your flow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that you stick to it throughout the paragraph. This will help improve your logical structure.
task achievement
You clearly present both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your opinion is stated in the introduction and conclusion, which gives the essay a nice structure.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • processed foods
  • punitive measures
  • revenue
  • public health campaigns
  • awareness
  • government overreach
  • personal freedoms
  • unhealthy diets
  • economic burden
  • sugar-related health issues
  • consumer behavior
  • taxation
  • high levels of sugar
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