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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system as it deals with associated health issues. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today`s modern era, the rate of obesity in
people
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increasing and gives more workload to the
healthcare
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they face various
health
Use synonyms
 issues,
while
Linking Words
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
show examples
 need to get basic physical knowledge from the
school
Use synonyms
curriculam
Correct your spelling
curriculum
. In my opinion,
i am
Verb problem
I
show examples
 agree with the solution,
students
Use synonyms
 need to gain basic
fitness
Use synonyms
 knowledge from
Use synonyms
school
Correct article usage
a school
show examples
 age, so they can keep their
body
Use synonyms
 fit.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the obesity in
people
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increasing significantly in the population,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 gives extra pressure to the
healthcare
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
.
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
system
Use synonyms
 has many roles in society, as overweight
people
Use synonyms
 are
suffuring
Correct your spelling
suffering
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 many
health
Use synonyms
 problems,
such
Linking Words
 as
heart
Verb problem
increased heart
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 rate
increase
Check wording
apply
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,
diabities
Correct your spelling
diabetes
 and kidney problems.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, obesity is
occuring
Correct your spelling
occurring
 because of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of physical exercise and
lazyness
Correct your spelling
laziness
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 in some
cases
Add a comma
cases,
show examples
 it is because of thyroid, that extra fat in
Use synonyms
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
invite
Verb problem
to invite
show examples
 various
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
For example
Linking Words
, there was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research done
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
 of London
which says
Verb problem
suggests that
show examples
 extra fat in
Use synonyms
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
 and
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
 can reduce
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
by
Check wording
expectancy by
show examples
 more than 5 years. In order to eradicate
this
Linking Words
 problem,
students
Use synonyms
 should learn the
basic
Fix the agreement mistake
basics
show examples
 of physical education and
aviod lazyness
Correct your spelling
avoid laziness
.
As a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
, from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kindergarten
Use synonyms
students
Punctuation problem
, students
show examples
 should practice physical exercise, so they know the seriousness of
fitness
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
school
Use synonyms
 should teach their pupils to avoid junk food, and give knowledge about healthy foods to overcome
this
Linking Words
 problem.
This
Linking Words
 will help in future if everyone knows about
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle.
For example
Linking Words
, there was an article in
Times
Correct article usage
the Times
show examples
 of India which mentioned
Use synonyms
students
Correct word choice
that students
show examples
 who learn
fitness
Use synonyms
 and physical practice from the
school
Use synonyms
 level
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can
spend
Verb problem
lead
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 life in old age. In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
nowaday`s
Verb problem
nowaday are
show examples
 not taking care about
body
Use synonyms
 and
health
Use synonyms
, as they
also
Linking Words
 eat various
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of fast food,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
effect
Use the right word
affects
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
gives extra
burdon
Use the right word
burden
show examples
 to
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
. In my view,
school
Use synonyms
curriculam
Correct your spelling
curriculum
 can give
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
show examples
 about
fitness
Use synonyms
, so
people
Use synonyms
 can
spend
Verb problem
lead
show examples
fit
Correct article usage
a fit
show examples
 life.

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grammar
Make sure to use correct subject-verb agreement. For example, use 'rate of obesity is increasing' instead of 'the rate of obesity in people are increasing.'
vocabulary
Try to vary your vocabulary. Instead of repeating 'health problems,' consider using synonyms like 'health issues' or 'medical concerns.'
coherence
Ensure you have clear topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader. This will improve the structure of your essay.
grammar
Be consistent in your spelling. For example, use 'curriculum' instead of 'curriculam.' Check your spelling for other words, too.
coherence
In your introduction and conclusion, make sure to restate your main points clearly to show the reader your stance on the issue.
task achievement
You have made a clear argument supporting the introduction of more physical education in schools, which addresses the task question.
task achievement
You provided specific examples to support your points, such as research from the University of London and an article in the Times of India.
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