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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anyting if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantageals of giving children this message?

In
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 of the
societies’
Check wording
societies
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,
children
Use synonyms
 are taught that you will achieve anything
you
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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if you struggle hard enough.
However
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, pros outweigh the cons for certain reasons. First and foremost, there are some advantages. First and foremost, there are some advantages.
Firstly
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, they feel motivated, which gives them hope to perform their tasks more effectively and not give up
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, that
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 ultimately
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to betterment in society.
Moreover
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,
this
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 thing will have positive impacts on the
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
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 of the
children
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 that with hard
work
Punctuation problem
work,
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 you can achieve your desired
goals
Punctuation problem
goals,
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will ultimately push
the societies
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society
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 towards a disciplined
youth
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.
Lastly
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,
this
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 will bring competition between
youth
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 and in
this
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 way every child will try to give their best potential in their fields like sports,
etcetera
Correct your spelling
etc.
, as it is best for the youths’ physical and mental health.
For example
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, in Sindhi communities,
children
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 are told that they can achieve everything with enough hard work, in order to get the best outcomes.
Therefore
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,
youth
Use synonyms
 should be aware that they have the potential to gain everything.
In contrast
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, there are certain disadvantages to
this
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.
Firstly
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,
this
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 might put so much pressure on youths’ mental health when they
will be
Wrong verb form
are
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 not able to perform as much as their
neighbors’
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neighbors
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 than
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this
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will result in trauma and severe mental conditions.
Furthermore
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, the
youth
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 might interpret it in
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
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 direction and use it as a tool for
fulfillment
Use the right word
fulfilment
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 of their ill desires from their parents
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 will put a huge pressure on parents and
also
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left
Wrong verb form
leave
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 negative impacts
at
Change preposition
on
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societies
Fix the agreement mistake
society
show examples
.
For example
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, if
this
Linking Words
 information is fitted in the minds of school
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
children,
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than
Use the right word
then
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 they might get into trauma when they are not able to perform as much as
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
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neighbors’
Use the right word
neighbours’
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 child is performing.
Therefore
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, telling
such
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 things might be harmful
for
Change preposition
to
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 the student. In conclusion, telling
children
Use synonyms
 that they can achieve anything with hard work has more benefits than drawbacks.
For example
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,
children
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 feel motivated,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will have positive impacts on
Correct pronoun usage
their mind
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mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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Linking Words
also it will
Correct word order
it will also
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 create competition.
Therefore
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,
children
Use synonyms
 should be told about
this
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, as it will lead
the societies
Fix the agreement mistake
society
show examples
 towards betterment.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to avoid repeating phrases like 'first and foremost.' Focus on varying your language.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea. This will help your arguments stand out more.
task achievement
Make sure to clearly show the differences between advantages and disadvantages in each paragraph.
task achievement
You provide specific examples, which helps support your points well.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes the overall points made in the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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