IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is a good idea that old people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

Public
Correct article usage
The public
show examples
 thinks that retired people can
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
extend their
possibilty
Correct your spelling
possibility
 to continue their
work
Use synonyms
.
On My
Use the right word
From my
show examples
 perspective, I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 opportunity as long as they have suitable conditions.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain three
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 why the elderly
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
need
continue to
Correct word order
to continue
show examples
Use synonyms
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some of the elderly had experienced that still demanding. There are some job opportunities for their skills and
knowledges
Fix the agreement mistake
knowledge
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, they can be teachers or trainers for young
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
,
also
Linking Words
 they can
have
Verb problem
apply
show examples
collaboration
Replace the word
collaborate
show examples
 with younger employees as
supervisor
Correct article usage
a supervisor
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, young professionals need the elderly
wisdoms
Fix the agreement mistake
wisdom
show examples
 to manage their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, so that they can be
mentor
Fix the agreement mistake
mentors
show examples
 for their juniors.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the elderly can get benefits to maintain their physical and
phsycological
Correct your spelling
psychological
by
Check wording
health by
show examples
 having
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
activities. The elderly can
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
avoid stress, and they can have an
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 that
good
Verb problem
is good
show examples
 for
health
Correct pronoun usage
their health
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, fairly proportions
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
workload for
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 will
be helps
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 them to keep their body and mind
keep going
Verb problem
apply
show examples
well.
However
Linking Words
, they need to limit the workloads and
work
Use synonyms
 hours.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, the elderly can get financial benefits with extra money
beside
Change preposition
besides
show examples
 their pension money. Sometimes
pension
Correct article usage
the pension
show examples
 fund is not enough for living.
As a result
Linking Words
, the pensioner
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to find extra money for their monthly allowance. It will help them to avoid debt and
desperates
Correct your spelling
desperation
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is not good for their health.
In addition
Linking Words
, they can improve their quality of life. To
sump
Use the right word
sum
show examples
 up, old people need
continue
Verb problem
to continue
show examples
 to
work
Use synonyms
 wisely as long as suitable
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their conditions
relate
Wrong verb form
related
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 health and ability. There are some benefits that they can get physically and
phsycologically
Correct your spelling
psychologically
,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 there must be
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
show examples
 on workloads and
work
Use synonyms
 hours.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure your ideas are clear and easy to follow. Try to organize your thoughts into clear paragraphs, with one main idea in each.
coherence and cohesion
Use better linking words to connect your ideas, like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally', to help the reader understand the order of your points.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Instead of just stating that elderly people can work, give more detail about the types of jobs or situations they're in.
task achievement
Try to have a clearer introduction and conclusion. The introduction should show your main idea, and the conclusion should summarize your points clearly.
task achievement
You explain that elderly people can help young workers, which is a good point.
task achievement
You mention the benefits of work for elderly people, touching on both health and financial aspects.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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