IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that in order to give oppertunities new generations, company should encourge high level empioyees who are older than 55 to retire do you agree or disagree?

In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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We
Fix capitalization
we
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 will raise the topic of employment. Some
people
Use synonyms
claim
Use synonyms
 to encourage the unemployed
employees
Use synonyms
 should be retired. Today, unemployment has increased significantly, and
this
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 is for several reasons, of course, including the demand of companies and job bodies at high rates close to perfection from
fresh
Correct word choice
high-quality
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 graduates. But our topic today is about encouraging the new generations . Some
people
Use synonyms
claim
Use synonyms
 that older
employees
Use synonyms
 should be seated to give employment opportunities to new ones, and
this
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 in itself is a very logical reason for the company, because companies are looking for the lowest costs with excellent quality and
thus
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 they will retire older
people
Use synonyms
 and the cost of salaries will decrease, and
thus
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 new
employees
Use synonyms
 will be hired who are about to work hard in pursuit of the best.
On the other hand
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, the families of older
employees
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 refuse to do so and
claim
Use synonyms
 that their pensions are not enough for them and that if they
should
Verb problem
were to
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 retire
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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, they should increase their pension, and that
this
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 is a mistake against humanity! But frankly with you, I must admit that some of
this
Linking Words
claim
Use synonyms
 is true. In conclusion, I will tell you a story from which my opinion will appear if you focus on it. My uncle died when his father was young, so no one
left
Verb problem
was left
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 to support his family except him, so he had to drop out of his studies and be employed in a lowly job in order to get money. Years passed
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they removed my uncle from the job under the pretext of opening new opportunities for young
people
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other
Punctuation problem
, other
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 than you
who
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, who
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 did not have a lot of salary
and
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, and
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 his retirement salary was not enough for his wife and children! He died of poverty, and I ask God to have mercy on his soul.

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task achievement
Your introduction should clearly state your opinion on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Try to organize your ideas in clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea.
task achievement
Use more examples or personal experiences to support your points, making your arguments stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repetitive phrases to make your writing more varied and interesting.
task achievement
You presented a personal story at the end, which adds an emotional touch to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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