IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

There is an ongoing debate on whether children should be allowed or banned
to
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from using
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use
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 their mobile
devices
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 at school. Both views will be discussed and a personal opinion
wil
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will
 be written on the
later
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latter
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 part. Advancement of technology
such
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 as mobile
phones
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, computers, laptops,
and
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apply
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etc. has been increasingly affecting the education system
for
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in
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 most countries. With the development of these
devices
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, a new era of teaching and studying has been
practiced
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practised
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. Educational institutions are forced to establish blended learning systems, incorporating face-to-face and online discussions, adjusting to the availability of learning resources.
Additionally
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, with proper guidance and adherence to departmental protocols,
students
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 who have access to their
phones
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 during class can
use
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it
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them
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 as a tool for researching information.
Moreover
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, in cases of emergencies, mobile
devices
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 can be used promptly to contact significant others.
On the other hand
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, improper
use
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 of these mobile technologies can
also
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 cause detrimental effects on the education and learning experiences of
students
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. Without proper guidance and
misleaded
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misguided
 way of usage, it can inadvertently cause them
their
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to lose their
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 future.
Due to
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 their vulnerability, some
students
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 are prone to engage in social media bullying,
pornographies
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pornography
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, mobile games, and gambling, which are easily accessible through their mobile
devices
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. Other than leading them to the right path, it can
also
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 distract their focus from studying and introduce them to less relevant activities that could harm them.
However
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, the increasing advantages of using these gadgets are inevitable. With
this
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 being said, strict protocol and implementation should be applied in institutions to effectively manage the
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students
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students'
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 usage of
phones
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. Limited access to social media and non-educational related applications should be banned
while
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in
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on
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the
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apply
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school premises. 
Overall
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, I believe that despite the disadvantages,
students
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 should be allowed to
use
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 their mobile
phones
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 in school.
Along with
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this
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, institutions should
also
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 create mobile usage protocols to be implemented.
This
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 will not only help children in their research studies but it will
also
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pratice
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practice
 them to take full responsibility for their actions, which will allow them to grow and reflect on
thier
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their
 actions.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph clearly presents one main idea. Your main points are there, but they could be clearer. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that describes what the paragraph will discuss.
task achievement
Your introduction sets up the essay, but it could be stronger. Try to state your opinion clearly in the introduction. This will help guide the reader through your thoughts.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention a particular study or data that shows how phones can help students learn or how they can be a distraction.
content
You have made good points about both sides of the argument, showing that you understand the topic well.
content
Your conclusion nicely summarizes your opinion, reinforcing your main argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
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