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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the bar chart gives information about the phone usage among different age groups in a country from 1998 to 2000.

the bar chart gives information about the phone usage among different age groups in a country from 1998 to 2000.
The bar chart compares the proportion of people using mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 across different
age
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 groups in a particular country between 1998 and 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 individuals aged 16-30 remained the dominant users of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
, their
usage
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 rate gradually declined over the period.
Similarly
Linking Words
, a slight downward trend was observed among those aged 31-50.
In contrast
Linking Words
, mobile
Use synonyms
phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone
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usage
Use synonyms
 increased steadily among the youngest (<15) and oldest (50+)
age
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 groups,
although
Linking Words
 a significant gap in
usage
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 remained between them and the middle-aged categories. In 1998, the 16-30
age
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group
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 had the highest mobile
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phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone
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usage
Use synonyms
, accounting for 53%, followed by the 31-50
group
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 at 41%. By 1999, their figures had dropped to 45% and 39%, respectively, and
further
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 decreased in 2000 to 44% and 37%, maintaining a relatively close gap throughout the years. Meanwhile,
usage
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 among people aged under 15 stood at just 2% in 1998, the lowest of all categories,
while
Linking Words
 the 50+
age
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group
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 accounted for 4%. Both groups saw their mobile
usage
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 double to 8% in 1999. By 2000, the under-15
age
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group
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saw
Verb problem
apply
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had risen slightly to 9%,
while
Linking Words
 the oldest category reached 10%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "although, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words phones, age, usage, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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