IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. others believe that children who are tauht to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both the viewsand give your own opinion.

Nurturing youngsters in the right manner is highly significant as they adopt things that they were told by their parents or educators. Some people support the idea of encouraging the
feel
Check wording
feeling
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 of
Use synonyms
competition
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competition,
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while
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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groups
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apply
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believe that cooperation is the key to success. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both sides and
serve
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present
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 my opinion with examples. On the
on
Use the right word
one
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 hand, people believe that encouraging the impression of
competition
Use synonyms
 in young minds helps in building strong personalities
as well as
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 developing confidence. I agree with
this
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 viewpoint, because I have great belief that
,
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apply
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 children will be able to achieve hard aims in the future, if they have been taught healthy
competition
Use synonyms
Change preposition
from in
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in
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an
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 early age,
there
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the
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only thing that should be considered is not to do
comparion
Correct your spelling
comparison
 between students.
For
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this
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 reason, it is true that healthy competitiveness does not have any detrimental effects.
On the other hand
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, it is
also
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 undeniable that
,
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apply
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 counterparts should learn to cooperate in terms of being a good human being.
This
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 side of the discussion has the same weightage as well, which forces me to take a stand for the sense of humanity in children.
For Example
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, if kids only think about how to win against their
competition
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,
then
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 they might start taking shortcuts to achieve their desired outcomes.
Sense
Correct article usage
A sense
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 of cooperation has its own solid ground
which
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, which
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 cannot be ignored in terms of the upbringing of today's generation. After all the debates and arguments, I
come
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have come
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 to a conclusion
,
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:
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 both sides have their own pros,
it
Correct word choice
and it
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 is very difficult to choose one viewpoint. We can say that these two aspects are two parallel sides of a river, which have to walk
side-by-side
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side by side
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion at the end, and try to structure your essay better with clear paragraphs for each point.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your main points, as this will strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Try to avoid repeating phrases and make sure your sentences are clear and easy to read.
task achievement
You clearly presented both views on the topic, which is a great start.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes the arguments you made in your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • competition
  • cooperate
  • children
  • skills
  • determine
  • hard work
  • goals
  • successful
  • failure
  • growing up
  • social skills
  • share
  • listen
  • respect
  • teamwork
  • jobs
  • positivity
  • balance
  • well-rounded
  • adults
  • success
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