IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that a sence of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Nurturing youngsters in the right manner is highly significant as they adopt things that they were told by their parents or educators. Some people support the idea of encouraging the feeling of
competition
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that cooperation is the key to success. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both sides and present my opinion with examples. On the
on
Use the right word
one
show examples
 hand, people believe that encouraging the impression of
competition
Use synonyms
 in young minds helps in building strong personalities
as well as
Linking Words
 developing confidence. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint, because I have great belief that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 children will be able to achieve hard aims in the future, if they have been taught healthy
competition
Use synonyms
Change preposition
from in
show examples
in
Use the right word
an
show examples
 early age, the only thing that should be considered is not to do comparison between students.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, it is true that healthy competitiveness does not have any detrimental effects.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is
also
Linking Words
 undeniable that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 counterparts should learn to cooperate in terms of being a good human being.
This
Linking Words
 side of the discussion has the same weightage as well, which forces me to take a stand for the sense of humanity in children.
For Example
Linking Words
, if kids only think about how to win against their
competition
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 they might start taking shortcuts to achieve their desired outcomes. A sense of cooperation has its own solid ground , which cannot be ignored in terms of the upbringing of today's generation. After all the debates and arguments, I have come to a conclusion
,
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 both sides have their own pros,
it
Correct word choice
and it
show examples
 is very difficult to choose one viewpoint. We can say that these two aspects are two parallel sides of a river, which have to walk side by side.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and relate back to the main question. This will help the logical flow of the essay.
task achievement
Try to give more specific examples when discussing each point. This will help support your ideas better.
task achievement
You did a nice job of introducing both sides of the argument clearly.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: