IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some cities have few controls over the design and construction of housing and office buildings. People think that they should be free to choose the design they like. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Technology plays a crucial role in
people
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's lives. Some
people
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 argue that the excessive use of computers for playing
games
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 has a detrimental
impact
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 on the
health
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 and well-being of youngsters. I strongly agree with the provided notion as increased screen time has a negative
impact
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 on the physical and mental
health
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 of the youth.
This
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 essay will discuss the perspective before explaining why I believe that
this
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 trend is a negative development. There are multifaceted drawbacks to seeking entertainment from computers and laptops.
Firstly
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, engaging in indoor
games
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 deteriorates the physical
health
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 of teenagers.
For instance
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, children who play
games
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 on computers avoid engagement in outdoor
games
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 that involve physical activity.
However
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,
this
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 reduces their physical activities and contributes to several
health
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 problems
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as high cholesterol
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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 and cardiovascular issues , which
impact
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 them in the long run.
Therefore
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, children should be encouraged to engage in
games
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such
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 as running, cricket , football and hockey , which involve body movements and would help them to cope with various
health
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 problems
such
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 as obesity.
Additionally
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, another point to consider is the
impact
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 of excessive screen time on the mental
health
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 of youngsters.
For example
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, using playstations and video
games
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 for entertainment attracts adults to colourful visuals , which are unrealistic.
This
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 leads to higher expectations and limits their ability to engage in activities that foster critical thinking.
Furthermore
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, the trend of playing solely reduces social interactions and
formation
Correct article usage
the formation
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 of relationships between children. As most of the computer
games
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 involve one player
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, which
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which
Correct pronoun usage
this
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 limits the players
to form
Change preposition
from forming
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 social groups.
Thus
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, if young
people
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 play
games
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 in parks and playgrounds,
this
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 will help in developing social and cognitive skills.
To conclude
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, though technology has offered convenience and creativity in the
games
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 but I believe that overdependence on technical
games
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 reduces social interaction, critical thinking skills and physical workout , which have a negative
impact
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 on the lives of young
people
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 in the long run.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly connects to the main idea. Use linking words to improve flow.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your points. This will help strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures to keep the writing interesting and clear.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your position and outlines the main points.
task achievement
You have identified important health issues caused by excessive screen time.
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