IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is more important to spend public money promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In
this
Linking Words
modernized
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modernised
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 era,
people
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 say that it is more crucial to use public finance to promote a healthy lifestyle to get away from illness and
disease
Use synonyms
rather
Punctuation problem
, rather
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 than to use it for curing illness . In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, I have to agree that encouraging
people
Use synonyms
 to have a better lifestyle is very vital. There are many diseases that are the result of bad
habits
Use synonyms
 and unhealthy lifestyles, so having a good lifestyle is the cure for these diseases.
For example
Linking Words
, obesity partly comes from bad
habits
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, so educating
people
Use synonyms
 about the drawbacks of it and encouraging
people
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 to do more
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
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 can help
to
Verb problem
apply
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reduce the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who have obesity.
Besides
Linking Words
, preventing the
disease
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 is much cheaper than curing it. Many measures which are taken to help
people
Use synonyms
 stay away from
ailment
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ailments
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 can
make
Verb problem
lead to
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 a
big
Correct word choice
apply
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decline in the number of patients
Punctuation problem
, leading
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leading
Verb problem
resulting
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to
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 reduction
of
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
m
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apply
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 in
COVID-19
Correct article usage
the COVID-19
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 pandemic
the
Punctuation problem
, the
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 government has invested most
for
Change preposition
in
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 the development of
vaccine
Correct article usage
a vaccine
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instead
Linking Words
 of
invest
Wrong verb form
investing
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 in the treatment.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I have to deny that concentrating on preventing
disease
Use synonyms
 is a good idea. Aside from raising
people
Use synonyms
's
awareness
Punctuation problem
awareness,
show examples
 the authorities should
also
Linking Words
 put effort
in
Change preposition
into
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 the curing process of patients. The biggest reason is that some sicknesses can not be prevented, especially some diseases like cancer, so focusing on the treatment is
compulsory
Punctuation problem
compulsory,
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 even if
people
Use synonyms
 have bad or good
habits
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 acquire healthy
habits
Use synonyms
 but still have some
disease
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 their age
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as backache
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 that focusing on the therapy is crucial
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
Linking Words
also it can
Correct word order
it can also
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 contribute to the medical industry. In conclusion, I have to disagree that focusing on avoiding
disease
Use synonyms
 and forgetting about curing is a good idea
due to
Linking Words
 many factors
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
therapy is still the most important thing for the headmasters to invest in.

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task achievement
Your thesis statement could be clearer. Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to show the main idea. This will help with organization.
task achievement
Add more examples to support your points. This will make your arguments stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread your work for grammatical errors and typos, like 'm' instead of 'in'.
task achievement
You raised important points about prevention and treatment, which shows good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, which is good.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • public health campaigns
  • lifestyle-related illnesses
  • quality of life
  • health-conscious society
  • allocate funds
  • balanced healthcare system
  • comprehensive healthcare strategy
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