IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think the developments of technology make people's life more complex so we should make life simpler without using technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that technological advancements overcomplicate
peoples
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people's
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lives
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lives,
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that
Correct word choice
and
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 there is a need to cut down
use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of technologies. I completely agree with
this
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 statement due rise of unhealthy competitions and digital
disturbing
Replace the word
disturbances
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. In
this
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 essay, I will explain more
regarding
Change preposition
about
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 the topic.
Firstly
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, after the invention of
phones
Add a comma
phones,
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 the world changed. It offered fast and convenient access to current affairs and
possibility
Correct article usage
the possibility
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 to keep in contact with relatives.
However
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, over the period, constant notifications, which often were not really important,
lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 to overwhelming feelings and stress.
Also
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,
this
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 caused difficulties to reconnect with
chaos
Correct article usage
the chaos
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that
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is
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apply
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happens in the world
as well as
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 be alone with your thoughts. But, if the person
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
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 to tackle
with
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apply
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these problems, their decision to reduce screen time may help.
Secondly
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, since
Industrial
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the Industrial
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 Revolution was started,it was observed
the
Correct article usage
an
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enhancing
Replace the word
enhancement
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 in education skills and,
consequently
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, technological
, where
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skills, where
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 new enterprises were opened and manual labour was replaced by machines.
This
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 caused an increase
of
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in
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 unhealthy competition among people and
race
Correct article usage
a race
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 for success. Everybody wanted to
gain
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achieve
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 impossible aims,
for example
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, buy a huge house or
expensive
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an expensive
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 car until 25
years
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apply
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.
Thus
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, some people felt like they were not doing enough, which
was
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apply
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resulted in mental issues,
for instance
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, depression.
To conclude
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,
in
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from
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 my perspective, engineering advancements not only can bring improvements in technology and education, but
also
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 lead to mental diseases and the overwhelming
of
Check wording
use of
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 digital devices.
That is
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 why people should reduce access to
fast-developing
Correct article usage
the fast-developing
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 world
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 may help to make life simpler.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates directly to your main argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use simpler sentences for clarity. This helps your reader understand your ideas better.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points, which will strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Check for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to improve clarity.
Task Achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic and show that you understand the argument well.
Task Achievement
Your essay includes relevant points about technology and its effects on life.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • streamline
  • efficiency
  • healthcare outcomes
  • vast amounts of information
  • educational resources
  • face-to-face interactions
  • social skills
  • excessive
  • distractions
  • productivity
  • cybersecurity threats
  • data privacy issues
  • environmental degradation
  • e-waste
  • energy consumption
  • harmonious lifestyle
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