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Writing Samples
Band 5

All parents want the best opportunities for their children. There are some people who think that schools should teach children skills, but others think having a range of subjects is better for a child’s future. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

In
this
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 contemporary epoch, the competition to get a
better paying
Use the right word
better-paying
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 job is increasing day by day.
Thus
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, in order to secure the children's future, some parents believe they should be taught some valuable
skills
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
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 early age,
whereas
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 others think that more
subjects
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 should be introduced to expand the child's horizon.
This
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 essay intends to elaborate
both
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on both
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the
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apply
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aspects prior to reaching
on
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apply
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my
opining
Use the right word
opinion
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, in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
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 with,
the
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apply
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important
skills
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 like cooking, plumbing, sewing, etc. should be a part of
study
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the study
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 curriculum
due to
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 various reasons
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such
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, such
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 as
,
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apply
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 if the person is unable to get a job in
the
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a
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 certain
field
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field,
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then
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 he or she can use these
skills
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 in order to earn their living.
Moreover
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, these
skills
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 can assist individuals if they are living away from family, and cannot afford fancy meals
everyday
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every day
show examples
.
For example
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, I learned cooking
while
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 completing my high school, and when I came to
Canada
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Canada,
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 I was able to work part-time in the restaurant because of my culinary
skills
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.
On the other hand
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, the introduction of
range
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a range
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 of
subjects
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 in the school will give the young minds a better scope to decide what they want to
presue
Correct your spelling
pursue
 in future.
Furthermore
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, the concept of financial management in studies will help students to understand the broad concept of investment, stock
marketing
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market
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, and saving
etc.
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, etc.
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which
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, which
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 will
further
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 help the children to grow financially.
Additionally
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, given that the kids can select from
the
Correct article usage
a
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 variety of
subjects
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 will save their time because
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then
Rephrase
apply
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they don't have to focus on language
subjects
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 if they want to become a scientist in future.
To conclude
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, it can be inferred from the above analysis that
although
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 there are abundant
of
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apply
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pros of learning new
skills
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,
significance
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the significance
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 of different
subjects
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 cannot be overlooked. Ultimately, schools should make a
certain
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apply
show examples
curriculum in which students can select which
skills
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 and
subjects
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 they want to learn.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion. This will help the reader understand your stance.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer linking words to connect your ideas, such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'In conclusion'. This will improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Avoid informal language. For instance, instead of saying 'fancy meals', use 'expensive meals'. This will make your writing more formal.
task achievement
You provided personal examples, which makes your points stronger.
task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument well, showing that you understand the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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