IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries, fast‑food chains provide money to schools in return for promoting their products to pupils. Discuss the positive and negative effects of this practice on children’s development.

In some countries, fast-food companies provide financial incentives to
schools
Use synonyms
 in exchange for promoting their products to children.
While
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this
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 arrangement can help
schools
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 by supplying extra funds, it
also
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 carries risks for pupils’ health and habits. On the positive side, the additional funding may allow
schools
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 to improve facilities and enhance learning opportunities.
For example
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, money from sponsors can be used to purchase new sports equipment, upgrade computer labs, or fund extracurricular clubs. In
this
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 way, children benefit from a more engaging environment that might not have been possible with a limited school budget. On the negative side, advertising unhealthy foods in
schools
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 can undermine efforts to teach children about good nutrition. Ready‑made meals are often high in sugar and fat, which can lead to weight gain and related health problems
such
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 as type 2 diabetes.
Moreover
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, these companies deliberately target young consumers, exploiting children’s limited self‑control to build early brand loyalty.
As a result
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, pupils may develop a habit of choosing fast food over healthier options. In conclusion,
although
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 sponsorship deals can bring much‑needed resources to
schools
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, the potential harm to children’s physical well‑being and eating habits is significant.
Schools
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 should
therefore
Linking Words
 carefully balance the benefits of extra funding against the long‑term health of their students

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task achievement
You provided good examples of how funding from fast-food chains can help schools. Try to include specific examples of health problems caused by eating fast food.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear with a good introduction and conclusion. Use linking words more to connect your ideas smoothly, like 'however' and 'for instance'.
task achievement
You gave a balanced view by mentioning both pros and cons of the sponsorships.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction summarizes the topic well, and your conclusion ties back to the main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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