IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

There are conflicting views on whether working
parents
Use synonyms
 should rely on their family
members
Use synonyms
 or
childcare
Use synonyms
centres
Use synonyms
 to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their
children
Use synonyms
. I believe
childcare
Use synonyms
centres
Use synonyms
 are the best option because they are under strict regulation and surrounded by professionals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 can provide
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 to the
children
Use synonyms
. On the one hand,
parents
Use synonyms
 ask their family
members
Use synonyms
 to foster their
children
Use synonyms
 because they fully trust them.
Likewise
Linking Words
, the family
members
Use synonyms
 have known the
children
Use synonyms
 since they were born, so there is
this
Linking Words
 attachment between them
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can assure that they willingly provide the child's security. They
mostly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
 know exactly the child’s
health
Use synonyms
 concerns from their
parents
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 point of view because these reasons are not strong enough to ensure the
guarantee
Check wording
protection
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
children’s protection
Check wording
children
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, the argument of how security is provided, we can see some cases on the news
that
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 many grandparents reported
children
Use synonyms
 missing at one mall
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 shows how kids’ security is still at stake. Other than that, many relatives do not have any idea how to treat sick
children
Use synonyms
,
for example
Linking Words
, when the
children
Use synonyms
 have allergic reactions
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the relatives do not understand proper first aid, so knowing the
kid’s
Check wording
child’s
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 conditions is not enough.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
childcare
Use synonyms
centres
Use synonyms
serve
Verb problem
offer
show examples
 better facilities with legality and
professionality
Use the right word
professionalism
show examples
. In order to open a
childcare
Use synonyms
 centre, people should apply for legal permission to the
related
Correct word choice
relevant
show examples
authority
Punctuation problem
authority,
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
required
Wrong verb form
requires
show examples
 them to provide certain factors related to
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 safety,
health
Use synonyms
, and development. A strict regulation makes
childcare
Use synonyms
 management have an obligation to follow the rules to ensure its quality.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they have to hire workers who are educated and trained
for taking
Change preposition
to take
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 of the
children
Use synonyms
, not only to make them safe but
also
Linking Words
 to support their growth. These people will likely understand how to handle juniors during their growth time and help them stimulate their cognitive development since their working
parents
Use synonyms
 cannot always be by their side. The professional
childtakers
Correct your spelling
child caretakers
 are
also
Linking Words
 equipped with competency in how to respond to
health
Use synonyms
 issues of the
children
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 family
members
Use synonyms
 can be trusted to foster the
children
Use synonyms
 since they have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 bond for a long time, I think sending the kids to
childcare
Use synonyms
centres
Use synonyms
 will make the working
parents
Use synonyms
 at ease since their quality is ensured by the authority
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 well as they have professionals who will take
care
Use synonyms
 of their
children
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
during
show examples
 their golden time.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure your ideas follow a clear order. For example, list reasons in a logical way and connect them clearly to your opinion.
task achievement
Try to give more specific examples that support your points. For example, describe more about how childcare centres are regulated.
task achievement
In your conclusion, restate your opinion more clearly. This helps to remind the reader why you made that choice.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion that is presented at the beginning and end of your essay.
task achievement
You include both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • nurturing environment
  • emotional bond
  • wealth of experience
  • cultural traditions
  • socialization opportunities
  • structured environment
  • trained professionals
  • developmental needs
  • financial aspect
  • curriculum
  • academic success
What to do next:
Look at other essays: