IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, believe that this would have little effect and that other measures are needed. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Health
Use synonyms
 is one of the most important aspects of human life and a key indicator of human
beings
Check wording
beings'
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 development. Many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the most effective method to enhance national
health
Use synonyms
 is by building a lot of sports facilities,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that it is not enough ,and a lot of things should be done to improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
health
Use synonyms
. I will discuss both views and explain why I personally believe that the most beneficial way to improve public
health
Use synonyms
 is to
raise
Verb problem
increase
show examples
 the
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of sports
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
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. On one hand, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 think that community well-being will be enhanced
due to
Linking Words
structuring
Correct article usage
the structuring
show examples
many
Change preposition
of many
show examples
 fitness centres. Building it will not only motivate the individuals, but it will
also
Linking Words
 make them interested in physical activities ,
such
Linking Words
 as running and
swimmimg
Correct your spelling
swimming
. In
2014
Punctuation problem
2014,
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 both
Correct article usage
the Unites
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Unites states
Use the right word
United States
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 and Kuwait started building
health
Use synonyms
 clubs in every
neighborhood
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neighbourhood
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
certain areas
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 10 years
later
Punctuation problem
later,
show examples
 doctors noticed that
people
Use synonyms
 who
lives
Correct subject-verb agreement
live
show examples
 in these areas are more likely to prevent sickness,
Linking Words
Correct word choice
and also
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also they
Correct word order
they also
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 noticed that there was a remarkable decline in obesity because
people
Use synonyms
 used to
workout
Use the right word
work out
show examples
 consistently.
As a result
Linking Words
, governments should keep up the hard work.
On the other hand
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,
people
Use synonyms
 who argued differently have several reasons.
Firstly
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, providing citizens with free
health
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 care will improve their
health
Use synonyms
 because they will visit the hospital when they are in need.
Secondly
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, raising
people
Use synonyms
's awareness of doing early
check ups
Use the right word
check-ups
show examples
regurarly
Correct your spelling
regularly
 could prevent any expected infections.
Thirdly
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, it is crucial to implement fines on those who smoke or eat junk food excessively. Fourthly, as an alternative, restaurants should serve food which is high in
protien
Correct your spelling
protein
 and nutritional value.
Therefore
Linking Words
, small actions that don't put external pressure on
people
Use synonyms
 will make a huge impact on society. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are many reasons that may have positive effects on
people
Use synonyms
, I
stil
Correct your spelling
still
 believe that it is most accurate for states to build gyms.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion. This helps the reader understand your view better.
coherence and cohesion
Try to organize your paragraphs better. Each paragraph should focus clearly on one main idea.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your arguments. This makes your points stronger and clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Check your spelling and grammar. Errors can distract the reader and make your writing less clear.
task achievement
You clearly presented both sides of the argument, which shows your understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant points, which is good for the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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