IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People after retirement often require financial assistance. Should the government be responsible for this or should the individuals make provisions for themselves? Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

The role of
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 ensuring
well-being
Correct article usage
the well-being
show examples
 of
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 citizens by giving financial help is
wide
Replace the word
widely
show examples
 debatable, with many inhabitants claiming that individuals should take personal responsibility for their future. The considerable influences of these approaches
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 sparked the controversy over their pertinence. In my point of view,
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 stance appears to be more rational. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I shall elaborate on both perspectives before reciting my logical inference. To commence with, there are a myriad of benefits associated with
this
Linking Words
. The cardinal one is that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 could be seen as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
resonsible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for ensuring the care of older people. To make it clear, after a lifetime of paying taxes, GST and HST, citizens have contributed to
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 and society,
thus
Linking Words
 they deserve financial security. An even more significant fact is that some inhabitants work in
low income
Use the right word
low-income
show examples
 jobs and cannot save enough money for their old age. In
this
Linking Words
scenerio
Correct your spelling
scenario
,
government
Use synonyms
 policies, pension plans and welfare plans are essential in supporting retirees who may not
had
Verb problem
have had
show examples
 the means to save adequately. Another
view point
Use the right word
viewpoint
show examples
 of contention states that people should save
their own for
Correct word order
for their own
show examples
 future. It is
also
Linking Words
 supported by a wide range of evidence.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the
show examples
Government
Use synonyms
 is facing problems
to fund
Change preposition
in funding
show examples
 healthcare and other sectors, so helping
elder
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
 citizens
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
extra
Correct article usage
an extra
show examples
 burden.
Moreover
Linking Words
, people should take personal
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to save and invest wisely to secure their own
retirment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 by investing in private pensions, savings accounts and investments in stocks or real
state
Use the right word
estate
show examples
.
Thus
Linking Words
, it
Verb problem
is appearent
show examples
appearent
Correct your spelling
apparent
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
why many individuals support
this
Linking Words
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, in view of the arguments outlined above, I can infer that both perspectives have their merits on balance.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, I tend to stand by the first proposition owing to the fact that
foks
Correct your spelling
folks
 are paying tax and they deserve
Correct article usage
a retierment
show examples
retierment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 plan in their life
end
Check wording
apply
show examples
.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in your introduction and conclusion. It is important to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas and points. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea with supporting details.
coherence and cohesion
Check for spelling and grammar mistakes. For example, 'resonsible' should be 'responsible', and 'scenerio' should be 'scenario'.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views and provides a personal opinion, which is essential in IELTS writing.
task achievement
You have included reasons for both perspectives, which shows a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial assistance
  • retirement
  • provisions
  • governmental pension plans
  • social security
  • welfare programs
  • financial literacy
  • private pensions
  • savings accounts
  • investments
  • economic stability
  • poverty line
  • safety net
  • personal responsibility
  • incentivizing
What to do next:
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