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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Getting promotions is one of the biggest drives for people to apply themselves and work hard in the modern workplace. Why do you think people are so driven to get promotions? What other factors influence people to work hard? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Due to
Linking Words
 the
icreasing
Correct your spelling
increasing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
cost of living in recent times. One
siginficant
Correct your spelling
significant
 aspect why employees
work
Use synonyms
 hard in their jobs is for them to earn promotions.
Although
Linking Words
 there are other ways to encourage staff to do their best and
rise
Use the right word
raise
show examples
 the productivity of the business. First and foremost, the main reason most employees are pursuing promotions is to earn a high raise in salaries, and as
life
Use synonyms
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 costly and
unaffordable
Punctuation problem
unaffordable,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 promotion is the ultimate solution for
this
Linking Words
 dilemma.
For instance
Linking Words
:
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 salary will make the quality of
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 better as they will afford the household essentials, and one of the parents can stay at home to take care of the children.
As a result
Linking Words
, kids will not feel the absence of their parents
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they will live a decent
life
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 giving promotions
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 employees
it
Use the right word
is
show examples
 the common way to award the staff, it could affect the financial status of the
institustions
Correct your spelling
institutions
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they may offer to reduce working hours or the
posibility
Correct your spelling
possibility
 to
work
Use synonyms
 remotely for a week of each month as a stimulant.
For example
Linking Words
: since I used to
work
Use synonyms
 for a very long
hours
Check wording
time
show examples
, I did not
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 time to do other activities or meet my friends, I totally devoted my
life
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
work
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 made me resign from my job even though I admired it and was an important member of my team. Albeit if working time rule could be applied,
this
Linking Words
 will result in assuring to have the loyalty of a fulfilled employee and maintain the productivity of the
work
Use synonyms
. By way of conclusion, companies nowadays are competing and everyone
offering
Verb problem
is offering
show examples
 to promote their staff as a way of recognition, but they should consider other solutions that may affect their
prominents
Correct your spelling
prominent
 members' quality of
life
Use synonyms
.

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Task Response
Your introduction is clear, but it could be stronger by stating your main points more explicitly. Consider summarizing the reasons you will discuss in the introduction.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to proofread for spelling and grammar mistakes. For example, ‘icreasing’ should be ‘increasing’ and ‘siginifican’ should be ‘significant’.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use clear topic sentences at the start of each paragraph. This will help guide the reader through your ideas more easily.
Task Response
Your conclusion summarizes the points, but it could be more impactful. Consider reiterating the significance of addressing both promotions and other incentives.
Task Achievement
You provided personal experience which adds depth to your argument.
Task Achievement
The examples you gave are relevant to the points discussed.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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