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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Many people assume that
competition
Use synonyms
 is important in
professionals
Check wording
the workplace
show examples
,
schools
Change preposition
in schools
show examples
, and in daily life.
However
Linking Words
, others
against
Verb problem
argue against
show examples
this
Linking Words
 notion that cooperation should be
prioritized
Use the right word
prioritised
show examples
 rather than competing
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 each other.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain
these both of
Correct word order
both of these
show examples
 views, but
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 I believe that
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 jobs cooperatively has
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 positive ambience than being ambitious
while
Linking Words
 working. In today’s era, competing with other colleagues, friends,
even
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
 relatives is
normalized
Use the right word
normalised
show examples
 by some individuals, especially those who are
employees
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 happened because the ambition to achieve the target as the best person among others is likely becoming a priority since it will benefit
such
Linking Words
 an individual. Since many companies
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 those in
mining
Correct article usage
the mining
show examples
 industry, brand campaign, and
telecommunication
Punctuation problem
telecommunication,
show examples
 are
royal
Correct word choice
renowned
show examples
 for people with “big roles,” providing fancy facilities and distinct
respects
Fix the agreement mistake
respect
show examples
 to them, other workers are triggered to achieve it ambitiously.
Hence
Linking Words
, a
competition
Use synonyms
 is directly started among colleagues to experience
such
Linking Words
 engaging benefits. Companies that put cooperation
above all
Linking Words
 individualism characteristics, preventing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employees
Use synonyms
 to feel
being
Verb problem
feeling
show examples
competed
Replace the word
competitive
show examples
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 others, seem
Verb problem
to successfully
show examples
successfully
Correct word order
work successfully
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 to achieve their targets.
For example
Linking Words
, one skincare company called Kahf in Indonesia significantly
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 their profits in selling products because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
its divisions successfully reached their teams’ goals. As interviewed by a podcaster, the CEO stated that all
employees
Use synonyms
 are grouped in which they have to
work
Use synonyms
 cooperatively and coordinately
as well as
Linking Words
 discuss to other teams.
This
Linking Words
 strategy builds togetherness among colleagues so that they
work
Use synonyms
 in a fun way without feeling
under
Change preposition
apply
show examples
pressured or being in a
competition
Use synonyms
. From my point of view, thinking individuals
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the same
Use synonyms
work place
Use the right word
workplace
show examples
 are
rival
Fix the agreement mistake
rivals
show examples
cannot
Correct word choice
and cannot
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 well to
reach
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 the real success to reach
targets
Correct article usage
the targets
show examples
 of the company itself. A lot of ambitious characters of people are getting widespread
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many jobs and
professionals
Replace the word
professions
show examples
, leading to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of
establishing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
competition
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
work
Check wording
the workplace
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 issue is actually becoming a negative environment when working
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 cannot
work
Use synonyms
 to accomplish targets
as well as
Linking Words
 those who
prioritize
Use the right word
prioritise
show examples
 cooperation among all
employees
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
The essay would benefit from clearer organization. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and flows logically to the next.
task achievement
Add more clear examples to support your points. Examples help to make your argument stronger and easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammar and sentence structure. Some sentences could be simplified for better clarity.
task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion. This helps to show your viewpoint more clearly.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion that favors cooperation, and this is evident in your writing. This shows personal engagement with the topic.
task achievement
You provide a relevant example of a company that values cooperation, which helps to support your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
What to do next:
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