IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is unacceptable that people who work in certain professions,eg.finance,media, entertainment and sport,are paid such high salaries while others, who do more important jobs in society,are underpaid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

I agree that the workers in certain
positions
Use synonyms
 in any industry, like entertainment, finance, sports and media, are paid higher salaries than certain other important
jobs
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, like certain government, medical, or even research.
While
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 I accept that it is perceived that certain
jobs
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 pay higher salaries,
however
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,
that is
Linking Words
 not always true. There are certain
jobs
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 in all industries that are highly paid when compared with some of the
jobs
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 which are more visible, like entertainment, media,
finance
Correct word choice
and finance
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. In the field of medicine, there are
jobs
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 like doctors and nurses which are highly paid.
Similarly
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, in entertainment, actors, directors, and producers are the
jobs
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 that have higher salaries. In government,
representative
Fix the agreement mistake
representatives
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 of constituents who are working in
Correct article usage
the house
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house
Fix capitalization
House
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 or
senate
Fix capitalization
Senate
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. Even though some of these
jobs
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 are not highly visible to common
people
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, there are
jobs
Use synonyms
 in each industry that have high pay. The
people
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 in these highly paid
jobs
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 have focused and invested their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 into getting
this
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high paying
Use the right word
high-paying
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position
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.
Similar
Replace the word
Similarly
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,
people
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 playing any sports have invested their time in
practicing
Use the right word
practising
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 and focused on reaching
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
position
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
high paying
Use the right word
high-paying
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. When compared all the high paying
positions
Use synonyms
 are similar in one aspect, the
people
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 in these
positions
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 have been always focused in their childhood to reach these
positions
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. Whether it be a doctor, sports-(wo)man, top government officer, CEO of any company, or successful business(wo)man,
have
Correct pronoun usage
they have
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trained
Verb problem
been trained
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 since they were
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 to reach
where
Rephrase
apply
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the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
high paying
Use the right word
high-paying
show examples
position
Use synonyms
. All these
jobs
Use synonyms
 which pay high
jobs
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 are common are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 who are supported by their
families
Use synonyms
 from childhood. The
families
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 support the child
on
Change preposition
in
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 their dreams and
continue
Correct subject-verb agreement
continues
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direct
Verb problem
to direct
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 them towards reaching these goals. When these
children
Use synonyms
 grow
up
Punctuation problem
up,
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 they are able to get into these
positions
Use synonyms
 with high pay. All the leading child psychiatrists support the fact that
children
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 who have parents and
families
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 to support them through their development phase achieve great heights to become successful.
To conclude
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, I agree that there are certain
jobs
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 in each field which are
high paying
Use the right word
high-paying
show examples
. If the
children
Use synonyms
 are helped by their
families
Use synonyms
 to follow their dreams, irrespective of the industry,
then
Linking Words
 they can reach
this
Linking Words
 level of
position
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 high paying.

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task achievement
Your introduction states your opinion, but try to clearly summarize your main points. This will help readers understand your view better.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences in that paragraph relate back to that idea. This will improve how your ideas flow together.
task achievement
Try to use more specific examples to support your ideas. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
You present a clear point of view and maintain it throughout the essay, showing your perspective on the issue.
task achievement
You provided different fields to discuss salaries, such as medicine and entertainment, which adds variety to your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Public sector
  • 2. Societal well-being
  • 3. Compensation
  • 4. Perceived societal value
  • 5. Market demand
  • 6. Supply and demand
  • 7. Economic benefits
  • 8. Talent migration
  • 9. Ethical implications
  • 10. Equitable distribution
  • 11. Top talent
  • 12. Essential services
  • 13. Societal importance
  • 14. Public demand
  • 15. Fairness in compensation
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