IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjets that will be useful for their future careers. Other people say that subjects such as music and sports are also necessary. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Generally, education is not only based on academic
subjects
Use synonyms
. To some
individuals
Add a comma
individuals,
show examples
 they believe that
institution
Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
show examples
 should focus more on teaching students academic
courses
Use synonyms
 for the benefit of their
future
Use synonyms
careers
Punctuation problem
careers,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 some people argue that vocational
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
music
Use synonyms
 and sports are
also
Linking Words
 important.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the two parts and state my stand. On the one hand, the second place to learn is in
schoold
Correct your spelling
school
, in terms of choosing what you want to become in
future
Use synonyms
. The
school
Use synonyms
 play a significant role, students
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 the profession they
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 like to do in
future
Use synonyms
basically
Punctuation problem
, basically
show examples
on
Verb problem
based on
show examples
 the academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 they are good
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Use the right word
at
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, a science student might decide on being a medical doctor in
future
Use synonyms
 because he is excellent in chemistry, biology and physics. Is performance in those
subjects
Use synonyms
 will make him better in
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
 to come
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 teaching those
courses
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
 is an added advantage to be successful later.
In addition
Linking Words
,
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 like mathematics
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 very crucial for
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
intent
Replace the word
intend
show examples
 to become
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
accountant
Fix the agreement mistake
accountants
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the foundation should start from
school
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, concentrating on lecturing pupils
academic
Change preposition
on academic
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 is
very
Rephrase
apply
show examples
essential for choosing jobs .
On the other hand
Linking Words
, vocational and technical
courses
Use synonyms
 are very vital in today's society
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
athlete
Fix the agreement mistake
athletes
show examples
 and
muscian
Correct your spelling
musicians
, these
Punctuation problem
. These
show examples
 professions are growing faster nowadays
Punctuation problem
, though
show examples
though
Change preposition
although
show examples
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 jobs are based on talent but teaching
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 related
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 college will help
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
build on
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 talent.
For example
Linking Words
, having a class for
music
Use synonyms
 in
institution
Correct article usage
an institution
show examples
 where pupils are being trained how to
composed
Wrong verb form
compose
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 or poetry will help them to have more confidence later in life.
In addition
Linking Words
, having a session for
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as football, basketball and some other
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 activities in
school
Use synonyms
 will encourage students
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 love
athlete
Replace the word
athletics
show examples
 as a career and making
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 on
future
Use synonyms
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 is not
only limited
Correct word order
limited only
show examples
 to talent but
also
Linking Words
 constant learning and practice
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be
achieve
Wrong verb form
achieved
show examples
 in
school
Use synonyms
 because
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 need to have a mentor and role model. In conclusion, both academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 and vocational
courses
Use synonyms
 are very important in choosing
Use synonyms
future
Correct article usage
a future
show examples
 career. To be a medical doctor, you have to learn science
subjects
Use synonyms
 from
school
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 to be a famous
muscian
Correct your spelling
musician
 and a
recognise
Wrong verb form
recognised
show examples
 athlete
you
Punctuation problem
, you
show examples
 need to start from
school
Use synonyms
. In my own opinion, I think including
music
Use synonyms
 and sports in
Use synonyms
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 curriculum is important because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society's
Check wording
society
show examples
 nowadays
value
Correct subject-verb agreement
values
show examples
 entertainment and
is on
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jobs that
earns
Correct subject-verb agreement
earn
show examples
 more money.

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task achievement
The introduction is a bit unclear. Try to clearly state your opinion and summarize the main points you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs should be more organized. Use clear topic sentences to start each paragraph, and ensure all sentences in a paragraph relate to that topic.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use proper spelling and grammar. For example, be careful with words like 'schoold' (should be 'school') and 'muscian' (should be 'musician').
task achievement
Add more examples or details to strengthen your points. More specific examples can make your argument stronger.
task achievement
You presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which is a good strategy for this type of essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes your view and reinforces the importance of both subjects in school.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • extracurricular activities
  • academic subjects
  • STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics)
  • career preparation
  • cognitive development
  • social skills
  • creativity
  • teamwork
  • emotional well-being
  • personal development
  • well-rounded education
  • standardized testing
  • school funding
  • arts education
What to do next:
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