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Writing Samples
Band 4

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugarcane. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugarcane. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
The drawing illustrates the production of
Correct article usage
the
show examples
solid form of
sugar
Use synonyms
 from
sugar
Use synonyms
 cane in seven steps.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
process
Use synonyms
 starts from growing
sugar
Use synonyms
 canes in far around 12 to 18 months; it is the longest step in
this
Linking Words
process
Use synonyms
 and ends with crystals
form
Check wording
apply
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of
sugar
Use synonyms
. There are various steps
such
Linking Words
 as growing, harvesting, crushing, purifying, evaporation and centrifugation involved.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the harvesting
process
Use synonyms
done
Verb problem
is done
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 either by using an axe or agricultural instruments. After that,
sugar
Use synonyms
 canes usually
passthrough
Use the right word
pass through
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 a machine which makes
juice
Use synonyms
 out of it by
crushing
Correct article usage
a crushing
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 technique and
collected
Verb problem
is collected
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 in a big vessel.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, that
juice
Use synonyms
 goes
under
Change preposition
through
show examples
 the purification
process
Use synonyms
 via
Correct article usage
a specialized
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specialized
Use the right word
specialised
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 limestone filter to remove any unwanted particles.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
purified
Correct article usage
the purified
show examples
juice
Use synonyms
Linking Words
then
Verb problem
is then
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 heated in the evaporator until it
gets
Verb problem
becomes
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 thick like syrup. To add on,
thick
Correct article usage
the thick
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 version of
juice
Use synonyms
 goes through
into
Change preposition
apply
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the centrifuge tool; it rotates at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 specific speed to separate liquid and
sugar
Use synonyms
 crystals.
Lastly
Linking Words
, those crystals get collected and
store
Replace the word
stored
show examples
Change preposition
in at
show examples
at
Use the right word
a
show examples
 dry and cool place.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sugar, process, juice with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 2 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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